


(Not) A Chance In Hell

by goldpeak



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: A bit of storm, Abuse, Alex has no money (anymore), Alex thinks about things, Alexander Hamilton - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety sucks trust me i'd know, Birthday, Blankets, Caretaking, Child Abuse, Chinese Food, Cold, College AU, Comfort, Comforting Alex, Cozy, Cuddles, Cuddling, Cupcakes, Cute, Dehydration, Distressed, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fame, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay, George Washington - Freeform, Gifts, Hamilton is a Student, Henry Laurens - Freeform, Henry Laurens is a dick, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Hercules Mulligan - Freeform, Hospitals, Hotel, Hugs, Hurt, Hurt John, Hurt/Comfort, I just needed to slide some hurt/comfort fluff in here, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injury, John Laurens - Freeform, John is a mom, John likes flannels, John's Birthday, John's past, Lafayette - Freeform, Lams - Freeform, Laurens is a transfer student, M/M, Making Out, Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette - Freeform, Nature, Panic, Panic Attacks, Paparazzi, Presents, Professor Washington, Publicity, Rain, Rape/Non-con Elements, SO MUCH TEA, Self-Harm, Senator Henry Laurens, Tea, There's nothing to tag yet, Traveling, University, Violence, Warm, White Collar - Freeform, accidentally, airport, alex is a mom, and blankets, birthday gifts, but like mild, but not Fast Burn, but u can call him laf, date, diner, falling asleep, flannels, he will finally be, i don't know how to tag, i was hungry when i wrote this chapter, i'm just winging this, im sorry i had to work that into this story they're the loves of my life, in which i the author reflect myself onto the characters, mentioned Homophobia, mild homophobia, more tags will be added, netflix, not graphic, not slow burn, park, phonecalls, press, reflections, romantic, takeout food, tragic backstories, vent - Freeform, watching netflix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-02-27 16:58:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 26,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13252596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldpeak/pseuds/goldpeak
Summary: Alexander Hamilton isn’t known for being quiet. He isn’t known for being placid, for being kind, or for being slow. He’s known for being loud, witty, fast, and smart. Mostly for being loud and smart. He has enemies, a lot of them, and he takes the phrase ‘pick your battles’ to mean ‘pick all battles.’ Even his dearest friends back up this description of him.John Laurens isn’t known for anything. No one knows him. He’s brand new to Liberty University, a transfer from South Carolina, and once he meets Alex in their shared US History class, he sets a goal. That goal is to learn everything that he possibly can about the incredibly intelligent, attractive and intriguing boy sitting next to him.





	1. John is Intrigued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back on my bullshit

Alexander Hamilton isn’t known for being quiet. He isn’t known for being placid, for being kind, or for being slow. He’s known for being loud, witty, fast, and smart. Mostly for being loud and smart. He has enemies, a lot of them, and he takes the phrase ‘pick your battles’ to mean ‘pick all battles.’ Even his dearest friends back up this description of him.

John Laurens isn’t known for anything. No one knows him. He’s brand new to Liberty University, a transfer from South Carolina, and once he meets Alex in their shared US History class, he sets a goal. That goal is to learn everything that he possibly can about the incredibly intelligent, attractive and intriguing boy sitting next to him.

He hadn’t gone into the class with that goal. He’d gone into the class like everyone else there, for the required credit. He hadn’t picked the seat next to Alex on purpose. He’d picked the only open seat.

He’d sat down, tucked his messenger bag under the seat and pulled out his Mac to take notes on. He’d then turned to his right to be met by a calculating stare and mesmerizing brown eyes.

Blinking quickly, he flashed the boy a quick smile before awkwardly turning back to his computer.

“Hello. Alexander Hamilton.” the boy said.

Turning back, John kept the smile on his face as he extended a hand for Alex to shake.

“John Laurens.”

John hadn’t meant to notice how warm Alexander’s hand was.

“Pleasure.” The boy- no, Alexander, replies with a brief smile.

Alexander turned his attention to the notebook and pen he held in his lap, so John took the opportunity to look him over.

He hadn’t mean to immediately notice his attractiveness, but he had. The boy had a chiseled jaw, with slight stubble- as John watched, his tongue darted out to wet his lips- and John hadn’t meant to swallow as hard as he did.

Alex’s hair, long like John’s own, was tied back in a messy ponytail. His skin was caramel-colored.

John flicked his eyes away as a voice sounded from the front of the room.

“Hello, students. Welcome to your first class of your third year of college. I am Professor George Washington, but please, call me Washington. I will be forcing you to learn as much about US History as you possibly can in this one year. First, before we start, some ground rules and general advice.”

John immediately noted how authoritative and commanding Washington was. He wasn’t intimidating, but as soon as he began to talk, you zeroed in on him. He was on the taller side, well-built with a kind face but fiery eyes. Instead of remaining stationary at the podium, he had disconnected the mic and was walking back in forth in front of the room- not pacing, just moving.

“I have printed the class syllabus for you all, as I know you’re all broke college students with minimal access to printers. That will be passed out shortly. In the meantime, we’re going to go over what is on it.”

John hadn’t noticed that Alexander’s hand had gone up until Washington was staring right at where John was sat.

Snapping his head around, his stomach tossed with uneasiness as Alexander cleared his throat.

“Yes?”

“Sir, Alexander Hamilton. I have a question.”

Someone muttered something from the row behind them and Alexander stiffened.

“Go on, son.”

“Why are we going over stuff on the syllabus without the syllabus? Do you not expect students to highlight or underline – whichever they prefer – the important parts of said document as expressed by yourself?” Alexander queried.

John noticed with slight amusement that Alexander didn’t intend on sassing Washington, or starting trouble. This was a genuine question that Alexander had thought pertinent to bring up.

A few people in the room snickered, and Washington silenced them with a hand.

“Alex here is correct. Thank you, son. One moment.”

Washington set the mic on the podium as he retreated to his desk, stationed in the corner of the room, and grabbed a stack of papers from a folder.

Washington handed the stack to the person on the very far end of the first row and murmured, “Pass it along, if you’d be so inclined.”

At that, Washington walked back over to where he had set the mic and picked it up again, leaning comfortably against the podium as the stack of syllabi made its way around the room.

When it reached Alexander and John, Alexander snatched one off the stack hungrily before handing it all to John. John grabbed one for himself and passed it off to his left.

Alexander had procured a highlighter seemingly from nowhere, and was already highlighting the course ID. Using his normal pen, he circled the ‘Professor George Washington’ and added a note that said ‘Washington’ in quotations.

John stifled a laugh. This boy was...something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new year new me new hamilton fics


	2. John Meets His Roommate

The rest of that class had gone just as well as the first few minutes. Alexander asking questions every five minutes, supplying answers usually starting with, “Sir, if I may...” and ending with “Thank you, sir.” Despite annoying half of the class, Washington seemed intrigued by Alexander rather than annoyed. He took time to answer every single question, albeit briefly, and never interrupted Alexander.

The entire first class went over the syllabus and nothing else. Washington had managed to send the homework schedule out in circulation and John had watched as Alexander scanned the list and made little check marks by half the work on the first page.

Alexander hadn’t said a word to John until the very last minute, when they were both packing up their similar-looking messenger bags.

“Would you be compliant if I asked you to give me your phone number?” Alexander said nonchalantly as he tucked his pen away into the pocket of his jacket.

John stuttered, “Uh-.”

“Not for romantic uses. Simply to stay in contact over the course of this course, should one of us require assistance.”

John relaxed a moment, until he had found himself to be slightly disappointed.

“In that case, sure.”

Alexander handed over his phone, a severely beat-up iPhone 5, and John punched in his number into Alexander’s contacts.

“Thank you, John Laurens. See you around.”

It was only after Alexander had left the room that John realized he would’ve given the boy his number either way.

The next time John encounters Alexander is at the library after school. He hadn’t intended on spending his first evening on campus camped out in the library, but he couldn’t get into his dorm. He’d taken the latest flight out of South Carolina he could, and he had arrived at Liberty University that very morning. He knew he had a dorm in the 300 building but he doesn’t have a key, just a room number. 340.

He had intended on seeing some member of campus supervision to get a key to his dorm but he wasn’t up for it tonight- he hadn’t slept since he left South Carolina and he just wanted a chair and some quiet.

The library, despite it being the very first day of the semester, was packed. John had been looking for a chair to settle down in when he had spotted Alexander, sat in a cushioned chair near the rows of books. His knees were drawn up to his chest, his eyes narrowed and focused on the notebook leaned against them. Balanced beside him was a copy of a textbook for what John figured had to be Chemistry.

“Hey Alexander,” John murmured, sitting down at the chair a few feet away from him.

Alexander jumped, wide eyes focusing on John as the tension left his figure. “Please, Alex.”

“Sorry, Alex. Uh, you mind if I sit here?”

“Not my chair,” Alexander- no, Alex- waved dismissively. John was almost offended, but then Alex flashed him a quick smile and John quirked the corner of his mouth up.

“What’re you up to?” John asked, craning his neck over to glance at Alex’s notebook. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Taking notes for Chemistry. Gotta stay on top of the homework, right?” Alex laughed quietly. “Well, granted, there’s been no homework assigned, and we aren’t supposed to get to chapter three for a month and a half- that’s if the teacher sticks religiously to the homework schedule, which they never do- and, well. Have to stay busy.”

“Do you ever take a break?” John asked teasingly, to which Alex visibly recoiled.

“I can’t, John.”

Immediately thinking to drop the subject, John nodded. “Alright.”

Nodding curtly, Alex looked back to his notebook and continued to write.

“Why’re you here?” Alex asked, in an unfriendly tone- but John sensed there was no bite behind it.

“Oh, uh, can’t get into my dorm. No key, no proof to convince whoever else is in it that they should let me in. Gotta see someone about it tomorrow.” John shrugged, a bit ashamed of his unpreparedness.

Leaving South Carolina hadn’t been a thoroughly premeditated decision.

“What dorm number?”

“340.”

At that, Alex looked up. “Oh.”

“...oh?” John queried.

“I can let you into the dorm.”

Instantly, the situation clicked in John’s head and he resisted the urge to laugh out loud and simultaneously hit his head against the wall. “Oh, of course you’re my roommate.”

Alex almost seemed offended at John’s reaction, but didn’t retort. “Would you mind waiting until I finish this chapter before we go up?”

Despite his true opinion, John opted to wave his hand dismissively and nod. “Go ahead.”

John settled into the chair and pulled out his phone, turning it on for the first time all day. Instantly, missed calls and texts from his family started piling into his notifications and he bit the inside of his cheek before turning the phone off and preparing to stare at a wall until Alex was-.

“Done.”

John whipped his head around in astonishment. “That was-.”

“Thanks.”

“I didn’t compliment you.”

“You were preparing to.”

Alex packed up the rest of his stuff before heading out of the library without waiting for John to follow. He followed anyway.

They arrived at the room a short time after, and Alex jiggled a key in the lock before the door swung inward.

“Wow. It’s quite spacious.”

“You haven’t seen it yet?” John asked, stepping inside after Alex.

“A friend of mine dropped off a box of my belongings for me the other day. Otherwise, no.”

In the back of his mind, John wondered if Alex had spent the previous days in the library. He probably had.

The dorm was moderately sized, with two small beds in opposite corners with little desks beside them. A microwave and sink were embedded in a set of small cabinets against the far wall.

Alex instantly chose the bed to the left, seeing as how the aforementioned box of belongings were sat on it, leaving John the one to the right.

John was cautious, setting his bag down gently before sitting on the edge of the bed and feeling the blanket. Rough and scratchy. Expected.

“Do you have any belongings, John?”

“Of course.” John huffed, a bit defensively. “Well, I have my phone, laptop and some clothes. Debit card. Not much else.”

He didn’t know what he expected from Alex, but a nonchalant “okay” was not what he expected.

He emptied out his messenger bag, setting a legal pad, a few pens and pencils and his laptop on the bed before fishing around in the bottom for the rest of his items. A tattered wallet found its way into John’s hand, which was promptly set on the bed. John found the clothes next, dumping them all onto the bed and standing up to sort through them.

He was currently wearing a dark blue long-sleeve shirt and black skinny jeans. Other than that, all he had brought with him was a hunter green v-neck, a dark red long-sleeve, some pairs of socks and boxers, and a pair of dark skinny jeans. If you counted the worn sneakers on his feet, that made for twelve whole items of clothing. John was spoiled, really.

He looked up from his organizing to see Alex staring at him curiously, a blanket balled up and held in his hands that he had, presumably, taken out of the now tipped-over box.

Suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious, John grabbed his clothes and tucked them into the corner, before re-packing the rest of items into his bag.

He grabbed his phone and the charger, untangling it from his laptop cord, and looked around for an outlet. He found a set of two outlets in the very center of the rear wall of the room, between his and Alex’s beds. He padded over to it and plugged his phone in, leaving it laying on the floor as he headed back to his bed.

He toed off his sneakers and peeled back the scratchy blanket, grabbing the flat pillow and folding it over to make it semi-comfortable under his head. Despite the rather uncomfortable circumstances, the exhaustion of the past few days caught up to him and he fell asleep surprisingly quickly.


	3. In Which Alex Feels Lucky

For the first time in a long time, Alex felt lucky. Compared to John Laurens, at least.

The poor man literally showed up to college with nothing but the clothes on his back – and some in a bag. Alex had thought himself short of supplies when all his belongings could be packed into a box, but John set a new standard.

He had felt bad, watching John shift around under the ragged, rough blanket on his bed while Alex held a fairly soft one in his hands. He’d felt worse when John had caught him staring.

After John had laid down and, Alex presumed, gone to bed, he had gone back to unpacking. He ignored the fact that John laid down in jeans and a t-shirt and instead pulled out the rest of the things in the box- mostly books and a few trinkets. His laptop and charger made their way out of there as well.

Trying to keep quiet, something he didn’t do much, he stacked up many of the books on the desk next to his laptop and collection of pens. His notebook took the most prominent place on the stack- right on top.

Alex felt a pang of sympathy for John as he changed into his sweats and a cotton t-shirt and spread out his comfortable blanket, but immediately stopped himself from feeling that way.

If anyone could relate to John’s situation, Alex could. Just a few years ago Alex had shown up from an island in the Caribbean with nothing but some books and the clothes on his back. His writing had landed him a full scholarship to Liberty University, and from then on out, he had worked his heart out to keep himself afloat. People had tried to give him a free pass to many things, sympathy for him clouding their judgement, and Alex had hated that more than anything. When he was given an extension on a final during his first year, he had shown up to that professor’s office immediately after school and demanded to take it right there. If John was anything like him, he would hate pity.

Alex would not show him pity, he decided. No pity for the insanely cute and slightly sad-looking boy named John Laurens.

Before he fell asleep, Alex realized he hadn’t plugged his phone in. He grabbed it off the desk and snatched his charger from the pile of cords, heading over to where he had seen John plug his phone in.

As he put the second charger into the wall, the power seemed to flicker a bit and the interruption caused John’s phone to flicker on. Not being able to look away, Alex scanned the screen and narrowed his eyes in confusion at seeing “Dad: 19 missed calls” at the top of the screen. Below it, “Mom: 10 iMessages, 4 missed calls.”

Not being able to keep his thoughts off John Laurens, Alex didn’t sleep well that night.

Alex woke around midnight, naturally. He swung his feet over the edge of his bed, stretching a bit as he woke up from what he called a ‘power nap’ even though he sometimes debated if it was able to be called a power nap if it was the only sleep he got in the day.

Regardless, he grabbed his laptop and notebook off the desk and got to work copying chapter notes into the backup document on his laptop.

John awoke to the sound of keys clicking on a keyboard. Well, that, and the fact that he was currently freezing cold.

Blinking away his disorientation, John sat up and peered over at the opposite end of the room, where Alex was sat at his bed typing away.

“What’re you doing, Lex?” John asked, his words slurred from sleep.

The typing stopped, but there was a pause before Alex replied. “Lex?”

“Sorry,” John murmured. “Tired.”

“As expected. Apologies. Did I wake you?” Alex said, and the sound of keys clicking resumed.

“Yeah. Hey, it’s pretty cold in here. Is a window open?”

“The window doesn’t open, John.”

Alex paused for a moment. It wasn’t cold- for him at least. He was tucked under a blanket and had a warm laptop on his lap. John was buried under a sheet in the corner of the room.

“Do you want a sweatshirt, John?”

John didn’t reply for a few seconds. When he did, his voice was quiet and small, almost as if he was ashamed. “That’d- yes.”

“Okay.”

Alex stood up and grabbed a sweatshirt off the stack of clothes he’d previously made, tossing it over to John who caught it and murmured a ‘thanks’ before tugging it on. Alex heard John burrow back into the blankets, a content sigh audible from across the room.

“Go to sleep, Alex.”

“Alright.”

He waited for John’s breathing to even out before he kept typing.


	4. Without Notable Events

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's really.. just fluff.

Alex was gone the next morning before John headed off to class. The day went by Alex-free, until he saw him during their shared US History period. During which, he was furiously scribbling notes down on a fairly small notebook... and, then, on his arm, when the notebook ran out of paper.

“Alex?” John queried quietly when Washington stopped his lecture to answer a question.

“Yes?” The boy replied, glancing up at John as he finished another sentence on his arm.

Wordlessly, John passed him a piece of paper he tore out from the legal pad on his lap.

“Thank you.”

“Welcome, Lex.”

John heard a small, confused noise make its way out of Alex’s throat and he smiled to himself. When he looked over a moment later, he saw Alex smiling too.

The next few weeks passed without any notable events. John learned to sleep through the sound of Alex’s typing, and Alex learned to live with John occasionally startling awake from nightmares. John figured out that Alex likes it when John calls him Lex, and Alex figured out that John hates it when Alex calls him Laurens. They both grew closer as friends, despite some of their very opposite traits. For instance, when John tended to pass out at around 10 PM, Alex slept around 3 AM. While John drank tea in the mornings- well, dollar-store teabags sat in a plastic cup with lukewarm tap water-, Alex always managed to end up with a cup of coffee in his hands before the day’s over.

A Wednesday night during the fourth week of the semester, John was furiously typing away on a research paper due the next morning while Alex had shut his notebook for the night and was now typing leisurely on his laptop. Alex heard John’s frustrated groans, growing louder every time.

“Oh, my God!” John exclaimed, throwing his arms up dramatically. It’s the loudest Alex had seen him get. “I’m finally fucking done.”

Alex only flinched a little bit as John slammed his laptop shut and dropped it not-so-gently onto the floor before the boy fell back in bed and groaned again.

“Are you okay?” Alex asked, clicking save on the essay he was working on before cautiously shutting his laptop, as well.

“Peachy,” John groaned. “You?”

“I’ve been worse.”

An idea finds its way into Alex’s head- an idea that’s majorly unlike him and seems to have appeared from thin air.

“Do you have any interest in indulging in an episode of Netflix with me?”

John was quiet, and Alex could almost hear the gears turning in his brain. When he answered, Alex felt a weight lift off his shoulders that he hadn’t known was there.

“Sure, Lex.”

Alex opened up his laptop again and exited the Word document before pulling up Netflix.

“Come over here. My laptop’s plugged in.” Alex shifted himself over in bed so John could sit beside him- and sue him if he purposefully pulled back the soft blanket on the side John would be sitting at.

The boy obliged, and soon Alex had the small-statured man sitting next to him, leaning against the headboard heavily. Alex was hyper-aware that John’s shoulder is just _barely_ brushing his own- and sue him again if he scooted a bit closer with the excuse of “Can you see from this angle?”

“’S good, Lex. What’re we watching?” John murmured, tiredness creeping into his voice.

“White Collar sound good?” Alex replied, as if he expects John to know what that show is.

“Uh-.”

“Nevermind. It’s good. You’ll like it.”

Alex was right. John found himself sucked into the pilot episode, bloodshot eyes tracing the screen mechanically. As the first episode ended, he found that he’s managed to shift over to where he’s leaning most of his body weight on Alex. He has also found that for the first time in a long time, he was not freezing cold.

He looked up to Alex’s face, surprised to find the latter staring down at him with what can only be described as a fond expression, coupled with tired brown eyes.

It took John a second more than usual to look away.

“That was really good, man,” John cleared his throat, sitting up and removing his body weight from Alex. He swears he can hear the other man sigh from beside him. He regretted his decision to move as soon as the cold air hits his side again and he shivers a bit.

“Yeah. I’ve watched it a few times.” Alex murmured, sitting up a bit more as well. His face was flushed and he’s all too conscious of the fact that his arm had been pressed to John’s side when he moved it away. “Are- uh, you- going to...sleep?”

John nodded, a bit unsurely. He’d never heard Alex stutter, in all the time he’s known him. Of all things, Alex was never at a loss for words. “I think so.”

“Ah.”

“Unless...you want to watch another episode.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t decline if that was something that interested you.”

“It piques my interest.”

Alex clicked the play button and John leans back, tucking his knees to his chest. John was aware that Alex shifted himself a bit closer, and John was aware that he was guilty of the same thing as he found himself about to lean onto Alex’s shoulder. He didn’t stop himself. Soon, he was warm again.

He most definitely didn’t notice the fact that he had passed out in the middle of the episode. But, Alex had.

Alex had noticed as soon as John’s breathing had evened out. He waits for that transition each night before he pops open his laptop and begins clicking away. As soon as he had noticed, in opposite of the usual routine, Alex had closed his laptop and tucked it away. He had also considered waking John, but he was curled up into himself and-. Alex tore his eyes away from scanning the sleeping boy’s figure and sat up, climbing out of bed after grabbing his laptop again. Before making his way over to his desk, Alex tossed the soft blanket over John.

“Night, John.”

He didn’t get a reply.


	5. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took. a turn. 
> 
> TW: panic attack 'n stuff.

Everything was peaceful and silent until 3 AM. Alex was about to close his laptop and curl up on the floor when he heard a whimper. Pausing, he listened closer- yeah, that was definitely John making that pitiful noise. Concern inching up inside him, Alex closed his laptop and made his way over to the bed.

John had managed to straighten himself out and wrap himself completely in the blanket, head pillowed on his arm. His other arm was above the blanket, clutching it tight to his chest- knuckles white. As Alex watched, John whimpered again and twitched, his features creasing.

Alex wondered if he should wake him. He remembered reading something about how it can be dangerous waking a person from a nightmare. He decided not to wake him, instead opting to sit on the floor, leaning against the desk, and watching carefully in case John’s nightmare got too bad.

In just a few minutes, it had definitely reached the stage of ‘too bad.’ Alex recognized when it had hit that point when John tossed the blanket off of himself, and screamed.

Alex had instantly leapt to his feet and ran over to John, which was the worst idea, because John had yelped again and scrambled backwards, hitting the wall behind him so hard that Alex knows he woke the neighboring dorm.

John’s hands were held up in front of him defensively, shaking from terror, and the boy’s hazel eyes were wild with fear.

“Hey, hey, John.” Alex placated, his hands palms up to show that he meant no harm. “John. You’re okay. It’s me.”

John didn’t show any glimpse of recognition, instead just pressed himself harder against the wall. His arms stayed raised, stayed trembling.

“John. John. You’re okay. No one is going to hurt you,” Alex murmured quietly, trying to obtain a soothing tone with his voice- but his voice cracked, because hell- he knew exactly what John was going through. “You’re safe. You’re safe, baby.”

He didn’t know where the pet name had come from, but John seemed to respond to it. Alex noticed immediately.

“Hey, hey, hey. John, baby, you’re okay. You’re safe. It’s okay.” Alex continued, swallowing the tears welling up in his own throat. That was not the time for him, of all people, to be crying.

John lowered his arms, finally locking his gaze onto Alex, and that’s when the other boy got to see the state he was in. John was still quaking, and tears were welling up in his eyes and spilling down his face – and his lip was trembling-. He took a shuddering breath, blinking away tears- which didn’t work, and just caused more to fall- and his breath caught in his throat.

“Lex?” John asked unsteadily, voice quiet and scared and small.

“Yeah, baby. Lex.” Alex murmured, inching closer to John- tears still threatened to fall from his own eyes. “I’m gonna come near you. Is that okay, baby?”

 _This isn’t pity,_ Alex thought to himself as he slowly climbed onto the bed, scooted closer to John. _This isn’t pity. This is...well, it’s not pity._

Alex found himself sat cross-legged across from John, still looking at the other boy with tear tracks down his freckled face, from his hazel eyes. He was still shaking, still crying, still terrified.

“Lex.” John murmured quietly, voice still trembling. “Lex.”

“Yeah, baby.” Alex said slowly, soothingly. “What do you need?”

John opened his mouth a few times, as if expecting to speak- but no words came out. None. He shook his head, short, little movements- anxious movements.

“Okay, okay. It’s okay, baby.” Alex instantly recognized what was happening- John was starting to panic, leading into an anxiety attack or a panic attack and-. “Hey. I know you’re about to panic. Okay? I-I saw a study that physical contact helps some people and- does it? You?”

John managed to nod, rapidly, eyes unfocused but still tracking Alex’s movements.

“Okay. I’m gonna hold you, okay baby?” Alex said quietly, moving closer to John and arranging himself beside him, “I’m gonna put my arm around you, okay? It’s just me, baby. You’re safe.”

Alex did as he said he would, extended an arm, wrapped it around John’s shoulders. The boy flinched initially, but then instantly melted into the touch and curled right into Alex, sobs wracking his body.

Alex held him, both arms around John’s small form, chin resting on top of John’s head- a shaking boy in his arms, tears wetting his neck and hands curled into the fabric of his t-shirt. After about fifteen minutes- or so Alex estimated- his sobs had died down to whimpers and hiccups, but he hadn’t moved from Alex’s arms. Alex didn’t know how lucid John was- if he was still panicked, or if he had calmed down.

“John?” he asked, incredibly quietly.

“Lex.” John breathed. Alex relaxed a bit, clearing his throat and forcing the persistent threat of his own tears back down.

“Hey, okay. You okay?” Alex murmured.

John eventually shook his head yes, still nuzzled into Alex’s neck.

“Okay, baby, good. Good.” Alex inhaled deeply, rubbing a hand up and down John’s back in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. “Do you want me to move?”

John shook his head no.

“Okay.”


	6. Take a Coat

After John’s nightmare, he had fallen asleep in Alex’s arms – and Alex, too, had fallen asleep. They both woke to Alex’s alarm at 5:45 AM, and John had hurriedly detached himself from his roommate- but not without a soft ‘thank you, Lex.’

Alex didn’t get a chance to say a word to John until later that night when they were both back in their dorm. Washington’s lecture had been intense and neither had dared speak a word in case Washington caught them talking.

Alex had come back to the dorm last, to find John sat against the headboard of his own bed with his knees drawn up and his phone balanced between them.

“Hey, Laurens,” Alex teased, tossing his bag onto his own bed.

John scowled and looked up. “Hey, Lex.”

Alex hadn’t intended on bringing up what he did, but it was out of his mouth before he realized it was in his head. True Alexander Hamilton style. “So, about last night.”

John flinched and averted his gaze, clearing his throat uncomfortably. “Oh, right. I’m- so sorry about that. I, uh. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Alex said, his voice ranging on the quieter side. “I was gonna say, uh, if that ever happens again and you need me- need, anything. Let me know.”

John paused, and Alex swore he could hear the gears turning in his head again. Alex felt a pang of sadness at the fact that John expected Alex to be mad at him- a nightmare was something John hadn’t had any control over, as were panic attacks- Alex would know- so the fact that he was going to apologize for it-.

“Okay, Lex. Thank you.”

Alex let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding and collected himself. “’Course, John.”

“So, any interest in watching some more White Collar?” John asked quietly, throwing his phone to the foot of his bed. “I promise I won’t fall asleep.”

“I’ve got a paper due for McKinley tomorrow,” Alex said apologetically.

“Oh, of course. No worries.” John shrugged, and Alex didn’t miss the tone of sadness in his voice.

“But, I can finish that later tonight. Come here.”

John bit back a smile as he and Alex arranged themselves on the latter’s bed, with the laptop at their feet. John bit back a frown as he saw his phone light up from across the room, more notifications coming in.

The episode finished and John regretfully left the warmth of Alex’s bed for his own cold one. Despite the literal nightmare that was last night, he was aware that in the time prior to that nightmare, he was tucked into Alex’s bed with a soft blanket and a decent pillow- and as he laid down onto his thin pillow and scratchy blanket, he missed it.

“Night, Lex.”

“Night, John.”

John woke first the next morning, a Friday. He sat up and stretched out his arms, his entire body shuddering with the effort. Blurry, sleep-tired eyes found their way to Alex’s bed, where the boy was spread out on top of his blanket. He was wearing grey sweats and a dark t-shirt, his brown eyes shut tight and his black hair splayed out across the pillows.

John made his way across the room and glanced at his phone, it was 6:30. Alex was always up at 5:45.

Approaching his bed tentatively, he put a hand on Alex’s shoulder. Mistake. Alex flinched and jerked away, eyes opening wide.

“Oh, sorry!” John squeaked, backing away. “It’s late and you were-.”

John’s eyes found Alex’s gaze and the latter’s expression quickly shifted from fear to exhaustion.

“It’s fine, John,” Alex replied, rolling off of bed. “What time is it? Oh, did I oversleep? Oh, no.”

“It’s 6:30, Lex. You’re fine.” John laughed, showing Alex the time on his own phone. “You gonna eat?”

“No, I’ve gotta run. I’ll see you during Washington!” Alex replied, grabbing a new t-shirt and changing quickly.

John averted his eyes, swallowing heavily as he caught a glimpse of Alex’s smooth stomach. The latter stepped out of the sweats and into jeans.

“It’s raining, you want a jacket?” John asked, and he noticed belatedly that he sounded like a mother.

“Nah, I’m good. Do...you?” Alex asked cautiously, looking up from where he was cramming his laptop into his bag. The boy was aware that John did not possess such an item of clothing.

John bit his cheek, shaking his head. “I’m fine.”

“Alright,” Alex shrugged, shouldering his bag.

“See you, Lex.”

By the time John had walked across-campus from his previous class to Washington’s lecture, he was shivering and his fingertips were blue. The temperature had dropped and John was wearing simply a long-sleeve t-shirt. He _really_ needed to buy more clothes.

He slid into his seat next to Alex, nodding at him in greeting before tucking his hands into his lap to avoid the other seeing- Alex was always observant.

“You’re shaking. I told you.” Alex huffed, a tone of amusement entering his voice.

“Thanks, Mom,” John muttered, a bit sharply. He didn’t miss the sharp intake of breath on his right side. Daring to look over, he saw Alex looking ahead with a steeled expression.

John swallowed.

“Good morning, class.”


	7. A Little Bit of Rain

As the lecture ended and people started for the door, including Alex, John leapt up and grabbed his arm. Alex flinched but didn’t pull away.

“Hey, Alex, sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to strike a nerve,” John admitted. “Thanks for caring about me.”

Alex couldn’t keep his straight expression and a slight smile graced his features. John relaxed. “It’s okay.”

Later that day, back in their dorm, when Alex asked John if he wanted to accompany him out with some friends, John accepted. When Alex offered him a jacket, again- almost tentatively this time- John accepted.

They left the dorm at 5, before the sun had set- but you wouldn’t know that, as the entire sky was covered with a thick layer of dark, grey clouds. The rainclouds had moved out in favor of some storm clouds. Alex froze half-way through the door to the outside world.

“Lex?” John asked, looking back.

Alex looked up at the sky, and then to John, and cleared his throat. “Sorry. Uh, let’s go.”

They were headed to a coffee shop by the name of Freedom, just a few blocks away from the campus. Why Alex was going out for coffee with friends in the evening was not a question John asked, just one that he wondered. They arrived before the rain picked up again, and as they found a table, John chose the seat near the window, where raindrops streaked down the glass in silvery ribbons.

John wondered briefly why Alex chose to sit right next to him- _right_ next to him, their thighs pressed against each other on the booth- but he also didn’t question that.

The friends arrived a short amount of time later. The door to the shop opened and through it stepped two men, some wind and rain following them in.

The first one John noticed was extremely tall. He had tanned skin, not unlike Alex’s- just a shade darker. His hair, black and naturally extremely curly, was pulled up in a tight ponytail. He was dressed in a thin cream t-shirt and a blue jacket.

“Bonjour chers amis!” the man said loudly, sitting down opposite John and crossing his arms on the table.

The other man, taller but shorter than the first, had chocolate-brown skin and a heavy figure- well-built, well-muscled. He was dressed in a simple jacket and jeans.

“Hey guys. Uh, John, this is Hercules, and Lafayette.” Alex introduced, gesturing to the heavy-set one and then the taller one respectively.

“Pleased to meet you. John Laurens.” John extended his hand over the table to Lafayette, who shook it excitedly, and then to Hercules.

“Pleasure to meet you!” Lafayette chirped. “I see Alex has spared you the true length of my name. No worries, I will supply. I am Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette. But I insist, call me Lafayette.”

John gaped, a bit wide-eyed, and was about to say something before Hercules cut in to explain. “His family are French aristocrats.”

“Oh.”

Hercules flashed a smile. “I’m just Hercules Mulligan, simple enough.”

“Like the Disney character?” John queried.

“Or the demigod, but yeah, the Disney character works,” Hercules chuckled, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

John huffed a laugh, already feeling himself drawn towards these two. He instantly saw how Lafayette and Alex got along, both of their energies were so... electric. Alex worked like a bunny on caffeine, and Lafayette spoke like one.

Throughout this whole ordeal, he noticed how Alex was stiff against his side. Hercules narrowed his eyes at Alex curiously, and then recognition sparked in them as soon as the man glanced outside.

“Uh, Lafayette and I will go order. John, what coffee do you like?” Hercules asked. “We’ll pay.”

“That’s not-.”

“I insist!” Lafayette chirped, standing on the balls of his feet.

A smile flashed across John’s features. “Uh, just any sweet kind of tea that they have is good for me. I stay away from coffee.”

“Sure thing.”

As soon as they turned their backs, John glanced down at Alex. “Lex? You alright?”

A slight nod was seen, but John wasn’t convinced. “Do you want to leave?”

“No!” Alex blurts out, loudly. A few people turn their heads. “No. Uh- I’m good. Sorry.”

He pushes himself up and away from John, straightening himself and throwing an apprehensive glance out the window.

“Alex-.”

“Whew, look at that weather!” Lafayette exclaimed, he and Hercules returning. “Storm’s blowing in.”

Alex tensed, and John could feel it even though he was sat a foot away.

Hercules noticed too, and he shared a glance with John. Lafayette was blissfully unaware.

“Order for... Marie-Joseph Paul Yves...” the barista began to call out, and Lafayette leapt up.

“I’ll retrieve!”

Lafayette returned with all their drinks in hand, and set them down on the table. He read the labels on the cups and slid them to their intended recipients.

Alex sipped at his coffee and made a small, happy noise. John relaxed a little bit.

Lafayette, as John quickly learned, did not like to stay quiet. Not only five minutes into their impromptu coffee date- John reprimanded himself mentally- not a date- Lafayette was telling an animated story about when Alex had accompanied him home to France over winter break in freshman year.

“Alex- he is smart, very smart- became completely fluent in French during just the two weeks!” Lafayette boasted, his empty coffee cup sitting on the table and his eyes wide as he grinned at Alex.

“I could speak it before I went, just not that well,” he clarified to John with a slightly amused smile on his face. The latter had huffed a laugh.

“Well, by the end of the trip, he was having fluent conversations with my great-grandmother! Those two were inseparable, they bonded over some French author- who was it, Alex?”

“That’s not that important,” Hercules laughed, cutting off the now-frowning Lafayette with a teasing glance. “John, tell us about yourself.”

John tensed up- he really, really didn’t like talking about himself- “Uh, alright. Name’s John Laurens, was born in South Carolina. Father is... senator Henry Laurens. Mother is Eleanor Ball.”

“Henry Laurens?” Alex asked from beside John.

John froze. He knew this was going to happen, he knew he wasn’t going to be able to escape the hold that his family and hometown held on him. As soon as Alex knew- and now, he did- John knew that he’d not want anything to do with John, figure his beliefs were the same as his fathers and want him _gone_ by morning. When he finally thought he was making a friend, a good friend- a cute friend, at that- and maybe, maybe he was even starting to think ‘wow, I really like this boy’ in not so-much a platonic way- now it was all going to be thrown away because of-.

“Yeah, that’s him.” John chucked bitterly.

“Not a fan?” Hercules asked, equal parts hopeful and sympathetic.

“Not in the least,” John hastened to clarify. “That man is...well, I’d rather not consider him my father.”

Alex simply nodded. “Makes sense.”

John sighed, relaxed a bit- and pretended to ignore the horrible trajectory his thoughts had taken on in the past thirty seconds.


	8. Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! hello!!
> 
> TW: child abuse and like mild violence? just a split lip? the real TW is for the child abuse. henry laurens is an ass.

John’s birthday was coming up, Alex realized. He had accidentally glanced at John’s phone one previous night and his eyes had landed on an upcoming calendar event- 10/28, John’s birthday.

He had instantly texted Lafayette and Hercules- they didn’t know John well, but Lafayette would take pride in getting John a very elaborate present, and Hercules would probably get him some cupcakes, at least.

Alex already knew he, too, was going to get John a present. The question of what still remained.

That’s why, at 2 AM on a Monday morning, Alex was perched on his bed with his laptop, scrolling furiously through Amazon to find John a present or two.

A book was the first thing that came to Alex’s mind. Alex himself- well, books were among his list of favorite things to ever grace mankind- that list was hidden away in a folder on his computer that probably wouldn’t see the light of day again. Though, John was intelligent, Alex didn’t know if books were a pleasure of his. If they were, what genres? Authors?

Of course, there were always the undisputed classics that no one could hate- Alex was about to click on another book title when an ad caught his eye. Flannels.

Following the ad to the sale page on a different website, he knew he had to get John at least one. Amongst all the color possibilities, Alex decided on a plaid one with many tones of green and some red mixed in. Slightly holiday themed, but passable enough for everyday wear. He also added a navy and maroon one to the cart. Guessing on size, he chose medium- because John was small, but not that small- and even shelled out for the two-day shipping.

Then, the idea of purchasing John his very own soft blanket popped into Alex’s head- and he was soon adding a fluffy brown blanket to his Amazon cart.

He also couldn’t resist buying just _one_ book- he settled on “My Petition for More Space” by John Hersey. Mainly because he wanted to read it too and he knew he could snag it from John once the latter was finished.

He had spent too much money. But he was still smiling when he shut the top of his laptop.

John’s birthday rolled around quickly. Alex knew that the boy didn’t have a clue that Alex or his friends knew- so he went about the day normally. He left the dorm before John had woken – gifts wrapped and secretly hidden under his bed – with plans for a miniature surprise party- Hercules and Lafayette included- upon his return.

When he opened the door to their dorm around 3:30 PM, a smile on his face, seeing Senator Henry Laurens standing above John- who was cowering against the wall- with a raised first was not what he had expected.

Alex had instantly dropped his book bag and leaped onto the man, pulling his hand down and tackling him away from John.

“What the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing?” Alex had yelled at his face, eyes wide and fiery.

“I could ask you the same. Attacking a Senator?”

“Attacking your son!?” Alex had roared, fists clenched tightly at his sides.

“You need to leave.”

“No, _you_ need to get the fuck out of my dorm room before I call the police on your pitiful, racist, homophobic ass,” Alex snarled, pointing at the door.

The man had straightened out his suit- a fucking suit, he had worn a suit to a college dorm- and left without a word to either of them.

As soon as the door slammed behind him, Alex ran over to John and dropped to his knees, hands reaching out to steady John, who was trying to scramble up.

“Easy, easy. You okay?” Alex asked, his brow furrowed in concern and his eyes scanning John for any visible injuries.

“Yeah-, ‘m good.” John tried to stand again. “’S fine.”

John’s bottom lip was split nastily, blood spilling down his chin. A bruise was already blossoming around his jaw.

“Oh, John...” Alex sighed, standing up and extending an arm for the boy. He took it and hauled himself up. “Let me clean your lip up?”

John nodded, his eyes trained on the floor. The split was deep- his lip had probably burst against his tooth- it might need stitches.

Alex guided John to his bed, sitting him on the corner of it while the former grabbed a wad of paper towels and wet them in the sink.

He returned and kneeled down to John’s level, eyes fixed on the cut. He raised the paper towel and dabbed it on the cut, the towel absorbing the blood, and John winced.

“Oh, look what you’ve done,” Alex murmured quietly, dabbing at it again.

“I didn’t- I didn’t do anything,” John defended, his voice weak, shaking his head away from the paper towel. His eyes were glossing up as he spoke. “I didn’t.”

“No, John. That’s not what I meant. Of course, you didn’t do anything,” Alex clarified, frowning. “Sorry.”

“You’re- you’re fine,” John sniffed, rubbing at his eyes. “Um- sorry. Sorry. I’m being such a baby.”

“You’re not.” Alex insisted, finished cleaning out the cut and instead wiping the blood off of John’s chin gently. “You’re not. I’m not going to- to ask, but if you want to talk... I promise, I’m a good listener.”

“I’ll remember that,” John laughed unsteadily, and Alex could tell his throat was tight with unshed tears.

“Oh, by the way, happy birthday,” Alex teased, standing up and throwing away the paper towel.

“What? How do you know?” John sputtered, standing up as well. “I didn’t tell anyone!”

“I just know these things,” Alex shrugged, wandering back over to where John was standing.

“You snooped.”

“Maybe.”

John laughed a bit sadly, still looking at the floor. “Well, I clearly wasn’t planning on anything.”

“I was.”

“What?” John snapped his head up, eyes shining with curiosity.

“Herc and Laf will be over at 4, they have gifts. I also have gifts for you.” Alex laughed, expecting the playful swat on the arm that John delivered to him.

“Alex! No! You don’t have to spend a penny on me!” John exclaimed, but Alex didn’t miss the smile on his face and the happiness in his voice. “I hate you.”

“I hate you, too. So much that I bought you four gifts.”

“No! I will not accept them.” John crossed his arms and turned away, putting his nose in the air for comedic effect.

“Well, I guess I’ll just have to return them...”

“Okay, fine.” John turned back around, smiling again. “Give em to me!”

“You don’t want to wait until the others are here?” Alex teased.

“No!”

“Impatient.”

Regardless, Alex reached under his bed and pulled out all four individually-wrapped presents. Three of them, the two flannels and the blanket, were squishy so as soon as John held them in his hands, he had a good idea of what they were.

He opened the navy and maroon flannel first, and a delighted smile lit up his face and he thanked Alex profusely as he nuzzled his face into the soft fabric.

The same reaction was procured from the green flannel, which brought another smile to Alex’s face.

As he opened the blanket- wrapping paper strewn around Alex’s bed- John began to tear up again.

“Woah, whoa! What’s wrong? Is it the blanket? Is it the wrong color?” Alex had stumbled over his words, just to have one John Laurens throw himself into Alex’s arms.

Instantly wrapping his arms around John, Alex rubbed his hand up and down his back soothingly.

“It’s perfect, Lex,” John had murmured, laughing slightly. “I- I have the exact blanket- or, rather, had- back home, and I just...”

Alex chuckled, pressing a light kiss to John’s forehead before releasing him – and John’s face flushed pink – and Alex realized he wanted to kiss John again- but this time, on the lips.

He didn’t, though. He really wanted to, but he didn’t.

John wrapped the blanket around his shoulders- like a sort of cape- as he opened the last present, the book.

“I don’t know what you’re into literary-wise but if you don’t like it then I can steal it and read it-.” Alex had begun- just to be cut off with another hug from the freckled boy.

“Thank you so much. For all of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ladies, guys and gender-less pals, school is already kicking my ass and its been 1 day since i've been off break. it was pouring all day today and i loved it until i had to stand in it for 30 mins waiting for my ride. 
> 
> my hope is to keep daily updates but knowing me that won't happen? but i'll try? depending on how much sleep i actually need to function?


	9. Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is THE FLUFFIEST thing ever.

The door to the dorm had swung open, startling both Alex and John. The latter of the two lurched away from where he had thrown himself around Alex in an affectionate hug.

“Hello! Have we interrupted something?” Lafayette chirped, holding a large box in his arms. It was bright blue with a silver bow, wrapped meticulously.

“No, John just opened the presents I got him,” Alex explained.

John ducked his head, a blush rising to his cheeks. The book was still in his hands and the blanket was still wrapped around him. He felt Lafayette and Hercules look him over.

“Hah. They were a hit, I see?” Hercules laughed, a smidge of affection creeping into his voice.

“Majorly,” Alex grinned cheekily, poking John in the side- in return, he received a whine.

“John, what happened to your lip?” Lafayette asked, peering closer at the cut.

Alex glanced at Hercules, eyes conveying an entire message, and Hercules nudged Laf- somehow, the energetic frenchman got the message.

“Well, I brought cupcakes,” Hercules said, holding a tray of brightly-colored cupcakes out in front of him. “Laf brought a... present.”

“Shh! Do not give it away!” Lafayette scolded, stepping on one of Hercules feet- as both his arms were occupied by the large box. Hercules didn’t even blink.

“You guys didn’t have to do any of this,” John said bashfully, his cheeks still tinged pink. He felt Alex’s gaze locked on him.

“We know! We wanted to!” Laf exclaimed, setting the box down on the counter in the kitchen. “Present or cakes first?”

“Cakes!” Alex answered for John, taking the tray from Hercules.

Soon, the four were sat in a circle on the floor of the dorm, all of their hands covered in bright-colored frosting- an empty plastic tray sat in the center of them.

“Those were amazing, Herc,” Alex complimented, licking frosting off his thumb.

“I’ll tell the people at Target that you thought so,” Hercules shrugged, eliciting laughs from the rest of the group.

“Thanks a bunch, Herc,” John said, sucking some red frosting off his index finger- and again, he felt Alex’s gaze lingering.

“Course,” Hercules huffed with a smile.

“Okay! Presents now!” Lafayette said, leaping up to grab the box. “I went a bit... how would you say...?”

“All-out,” Hercules supplemented.

“Yes!” Laf nodded fiercely, handing the box to John.

As John picked at the wrapping paper- feeling as if the perfect wrapping of the box had to be preserved- Lafayette began to explain.

“When we all gathered at the coffee shop, you ordered tea, so I thought- wow, this man must take pleasure in tea. Therefore,” Laf took a breath. “I did not know what kinds of tea you like, so, I got all kinds.”

John had gotten the wrapping off and opened the cardboard box inside, which contained an uncountable number of boxes of what John had to assume were tea bags. In the center sat a- kettle? With a cord.

“I figured, you do not have a stove in your dorm, so- electric kettle! Simply fill with water, plug in, wait to boil, pour, done! Tea!” Lafayette grinned.

John’s eyes, wide in surprise and... astonishment at the amount of tea, flickered up to Lafayette.

“Oh, my God. Thank you so much, this is great!” John laughed. “Wow.”

“You are welcome, dear friend!”

“Well, hate to cut this short but I and Laf have got to run- great seeing you guys- happy birthday, John!” Hercules said, getting to his feet and standing by Lafayette.

John and Alex rose to their feet too, everyone exchanging brief hugs before the two guests headed to the door.

“Thanks again! Both of you!” John called, still smiling.

“Happy day of birthing, John!”

As the door slammed, John looked at the floor with a smile still held on his face and began to collect all the components to the gift Lafayette had given him.

“Good birthday?” Alex asked as he grabbed the remnants from the cupcakes off the floor.

“The best,” John confirmed, setting the box on the counter and beginning to take out all the boxes of tea. “You’re all... I don’t know. I haven’t had friends like you guys before.”

“Now you know what you were missing out on?” Alex teased, coming to stand near John and help him empty the box.

“That’s a way to put it,” John teased back, nudging Alex in the side with an elbow as he set an armful of tea down beside the box. “How many kinds of tea did Laf buy? We don’t have storage for this.”

“Just stack it up on the counter. Neither of us cook.”

“I cook a mean ramen.”

“Last time you made it, it was crunchy.”

“That was a mistake!” John squealed, tossing a box at Alex- he missed by an inch. The latter picked it up and tossed it back at John, who caught it and added it to the stack.

Finally, they’d managed to unbox all of the tea, and John had already started to boil some water. Alex had retreated to his desk and was sorting through some papers.

“Want any tea, Alex?” John had asked as he poured boiling water into one of the plastic cups- praying the plastic wouldn’t melt.

“I suppose I’ll try the leaf water.”

“You’ve never had tea?” John gasped, pulling out another cup for Alex.

“Never had the occasion.”

“Damn. Missing out,” John shook his head fondly. He dropped a peach-honey teabag into his. “What flavor?”

“I saw one when I was helping you unbox- was it chia?” Alex turned to John and tilted his head curiously.

“That’d be chai, Lex.” John grabbed that box and put one of the teabags into Alex’s cup.

He picked up both of them and walked over to Alex, handing him his. “Hot. Let the teabag sit for a bit, then stir it, and if you want to, you can take the bag out.”

“So many instructions. With coffee you just...drink.” Alex sniffed the cup, brow furrowing with confusion. “Smells...good.”

“Why does that confuse you?”

“Because it’s leaf-water.”

“Fair.”

“You up for some White Collar?” Alex asked, setting the cup down on his desk.

“For sure,” John replied, already heading to climb onto Alex’s bed. He grabbed his new blanket and slung it around his shoulders, drawing his knees to his chest and curling up against the headboard with his cup held carefully in one hand.

Alex settled beside him- his shoulder pressed to John’s side- and opened the laptop. His own cup was leant on his leg precariously.

As the fourth episode of White Collar began to play, John sipped his tea and snuggled into his blanket- and looked up at Alex’s face, which was illuminated by the light from the computer- and felt _loved_. For the first time in a really, really long time.


	10. Not Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!
> 
> TW for slight panic!! <3

John knew he couldn’t feel that way forever. Couldn’t feel loved forever. Nothing that good could stick around- not in John’s life.

First, his father had shown up on his birthday- not to reconcile, or apologize for anything- or rather, everything- but to hit his son in the face with his fist and yell, and yell, and yell- if Alex hadn’t kicked him out, John didn’t know what he would’ve done.

It’d all taken a turn. Alex- oh, Alex- had given him gifts, and made John feel like someone actually cared for him- and maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay! Then Hercules and Lafayette- they’d shown up and they’d all had such a good time and then- they’d left and he’d curled up with Alex and it was all _perfect_ and his jaw and lip were throbbing but- he was happy and felt _loved_ \- not by his family but by his friends, which was a first for John Laurens.

After a few episodes, he had fallen asleep in Alex’s bed again. He was aware of Alex getting up, taking away the laptop and putting their empty plastic cups in the trash. He felt someone spread out a blanket- no, his new blanket- over top of him, and the words “Goodnight, John” had been whispered.

When he had woken up, Sunday morning, it was to the rapid ringtone of his cellphone.

He looked around quickly, noted that Alex was passed out at the foot of the bed- he had been leaning back against the wall and then fallen asleep with his laptop in his lap. John fought off a smile and got out of bed, stretching a bit before grabbing his phone off the floor.

The caller ID said ‘Dad’ and John instantly stiffened.

The ringing stopped, and John sighed- he probably wouldn’t call back- the screen lit up again and the ringtone began. ‘Dad.’

Maybe he was going to apologize.

John pressed the green answer button and held the phone to his ear.

“Hello.”

“John Laurens, you have much to explain! Shall we start from the beginning? First, I hear from my _incredibly important_ friend that my _son_ was kissing a _boy_ in the street. A _boy_! That’s bad enough, but then? You up and leave, for- of all places- _New York_! You commit a great crime against your family’s reputation and then you just leave. The audacity! Do you know how much shit the press gave me?” Henry Laurens was yelling into the phone, his voice slurred and- was his father drunk? “Boy, you best bet that if you do not return home within the week and apologize for all this- you- I will make your life- hell.”

John felt the strength physically drain from his body. His grip on the phone weakened, his knees trembled and his head rushed- he leaned out and put a hand on Alex’s desk-.

“John? What’s wrong?” Alex’s voice pierced the angry shouting from the other side of the phone and John whirled around, eyes wide and scared- with a hand up to just have Alex _stop_ -.

“Is that a _boy_? You have a boy home while you’re talking to- me? Is it- it’s the one that hit me yesterday, isn’t it? It is!” Henry’s voice faded off as John drops his phone. It hit the carpet with a thump.

John backed up- backs up without knowing where- only stopping when the backs of his knees hit the edge of his bed and then he fell back onto it-.

Everything he saw then was through a screen. Blurred, grey- distant. Alex bent down to the phone and hit the red button- oh, he hung up, oh- Henry was going to-.

Then John blinked and Alex was halfway to his bed, his mouth was moving but he couldn’t see- he couldn’t hear the words Alex was saying and- oh.

Warm, soft hands were suddenly on his arms- John looked up, matched his gaze with Alex. He recognized the concern prominent in Alex’s expression, in Alex’s eyes.

Suddenly, the screen disappeared- like it was shattered- and everything was back full blast. Alex’s voice was loud- loud, loud- and everything was bright-.

“John. John?”

He shook his head, a quick, sharp movement and took a breath in-, matched his gaze back to Alex’s- out.

“What happened? Are you okay?”

The words registered in his head this time, circling and whirling around inside it- they still didn’t make sense.

Suddenly, Alex was climbing onto John’s bed- he sat himself behind John and wrapped his arms around him- John murmured something unintelligible, tried to wriggle free- but Alex pulled him back into his lap and- he relaxed.

He took another deep breath; Alex’s arms secure around his middle as he leaned back onto the larger man-.

Without warning, John twisted away from Alex’s grip- not to escape, just to turn around and bury his face in Alex’s chest as sobs heaved from his throat.

Soon, the comforting arms were back around him and one- one hand was trailing up and down his back, the other was running through his hair- he felt Alex talking- well, he felt the vibrations of Alex talking- but didn’t know what he was saying- and didn’t care.

He didn’t even realize how close to sleep he was again, until Alex pressed a gentle kiss to his temple and murmured, “Sleep. I’ve got you.”


	11. A Little Bit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for panic and mentioned child abuse!!

John woke a short time later to fingers carding through his hair, and a body vibrating under his- humming, actually- to a familiar tune.

“Alex?” he slurred, sitting up a bit abruptly- he soon realized that he was still laying on Alex- or, rather, across Alex- and sitting up would be hard.

“Hey. Welcome back to the world of the waking,” Alex teased, sitting up himself so John could succeed in his intentions to right himself.

“What happened?” John murmured, rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands- and, oh, it all came rushing back like floodwater through a broken dam. “Oh.”

“Do you want to tell me what... it was? Who was on the phone?”

John closed his eyes and took a breath, refusing to start thinking about it again and panic again-. “My... father. I think he was drunk? He was- yelling at me about some stuff I’d done, and then he heard your voice- and got madder- and, oh, you hung up on him-.”

“Oh, John, I’m sorry,” Alex murmured, an edge of pity creeping into his voice- which Alex immediately pushed out. “What was he yelling about?”

“Just- stuff I did before I came here. Or, ran away to come here.”

“That suddenly explains a lot,” Alex mused, trying to lead a tone of humor into his voice to lighten up the situation- it worked, cause the corner of John’s mouth quirked up.

“He, uh,” John started, but stopped himself- did he really want to tell all this to Alex? They’d only been friends since school began a month ago and-. He stopped that train of thought too. In just one month he made the best friend he’s ever had and he was not going to let his innate distrust of people in general get in the way of that. So yes, he had decided, he’ll tell Alex.

“You don’t have to,” Alex placated, putting a gentle hand on John’s arm. The latter’s eyes fluttered closed, the touch almost grounding him from his spinning thoughts.

“I want to.”

“Okay.”

“Uh- I, uh, I’m gay. He’s not the biggest fan of that, as you can imagine.” John paused, not to wait for a reply from his friend, but to gather himself- or more specifically, his thoughts. “I had a boyfriend back in South Carolina, right? He was kind of a douche, but he was the only boy my age that wasn’t homophobic- and he had good moments. We were walking to the park- well, long story short, we ended up making out against a lamppost as one of my father’s senator friends was driving by with his family.”

Seeing where this story was going, Alex took a short intake of breath.

“He called up my dad and basically, just- “I saw your boy kissing a boy in the street” with some added swear words and criticism,” John laughed bitterly, wiping at the corner of his eyes with his sleeve. He wrung his hands nervously, picking at the hem of his shirt. “My dad- he was... pissed, to understate it. Sent me to our church to ‘pray it out,’ right? Cause that was supposed to work. I was so pissed when I got home, I flat out told him it didn’t- he roughed me up a bit.”

John swallowed, subconsciously rubbing at his shoulder.

“What’s ‘a bit,’ John?”

The boy stiffened up, shaking his head. He dropped his hand. “Not important. Uh, so, he was arranging for more- drastic measures, you could say- and then I applied to transfer here and... here we are. I just- left. Didn’t tell no-one. Not even my mom.”

“You didn’t deserve any of that, John,” Alex said sincerely, his brown eyes trained on the smaller boy with a certain aura of softness about them.

“Well, I got it, so.”

“I, uh. I know how you feel,” Alex started, a bit awkwardly. “One of my foster families caught me with a girl I had a thing for, right? Teased me about it, nothing bad. Then a few months later, caught me with a boy I had a thing for. Yelled at me, hit me- I ended up being taken away by CPS again.”

John was a bit stunned- not at Alex’s situation, as bad as it was- but more at the fact that Alex had opened his heart like that.

“That’s terrible.”

“Slightly.”

“’A bit’ means dislocated shoulder, sprained wrist, bruises.”

Alex just nodded, knowing what John was referencing.

“You’re my best friend, you know?” John said, a sigh escaping his lips as he turned to look Alex in the eyes.

“And you’re mine, John.” Alex replied with a smile, his eyes fond and sweet and-. “But, don’t tell Laf.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i broke my thumb like 3 mins ago but im posting for y'all before i go to the doctor. thank me later.


	12. Kiss Me Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a short chapter. but it's. an important chapter.

 A while later, John was sat on the floor, against his bed, reading the new book Alex had gifted him and sipping some tea. Alex was leaned perched on his bed, leaned against the headboard, with his laptop and a bowl of ramen.

John hadn’t turned the page in a solid 10 minutes. His thoughts had whirled back to his father- what he had said.

“Lex?” he asked, setting the book down without marking his place.

“What’s up?”

“White Collar? My mind- I can’t stop thinking.”

“Of course,” Alex said. “C’mere.”

John set his tea on Alex’s desk before climbing into bed with Alex, sitting to the boy’s left and leaning equal parts against the headboard and Alex’s side- as per their newly-developed routine. This time, Alex’s arm made it behind John’s shoulders.

Episode 5 began to play and John was conscious of fingers carding through his hair gently- he tipped his head back a bit and Alex huffed a laugh, but continued.

The rest of the episode continued like this- and after it, when Alex had shut his laptop, his fingers kept working through John’s hair and the boy felt himself growing sleepy again. But without the entertainment- or rather, distraction- of the show, his thoughts began to wander again.

“There’s something else my dad said.”

Alex looked over, concern etched on his face.

“He said if I didn’t come home ‘within the week,’ he’d make my life ‘a living hell.’” John huffed, sipping from his- as Alex called it- leaf-water.

“You forgot to mention that?” Alex huffed, a bit amusedly.

John smiled bitterly. “It sounds fake, right? But he will. The boy he caught me with? His family moved out of state to escape the press and attention. His parents also divorced.”

Alex’s face suddenly steeled and he sucked in a breath. “Oh.”

“I’m going to go back,” John said, voicing a decision he hadn’t known he had made yet.

“John!”

“Not for good. To say goodbye to my mother- and, my father- properly. Maybe I’ll get him to lay off if I do at least that.”

“It’s not safe for you there,” Alex pointed out with a sigh, shifting closer to John and leaning his head on his shoulder. “He- well, you know.”

John nodded, his teeth worrying at his sore lip- he winced a bit, but then pressed harder- and then he tasted crimson.

“Stop that, John,” Alex murmured, his hand brushing over John’s jaw. “You made it bleed.”

John looked down at his lap bashfully, and licked the blood away with a swipe of his tongue. “Sorry.”

Alex’s hand lingered on his jaw, fingers light and soft- and tipped it up- and then, Alex’s lips were on John’s.

The latter’s eyes fluttered closed as he leaned into it, pushing himself towards Alex and bringing a hand up to rest around Alex’s neck- the electric warmth from Alex’s lips spread throughout John’s own body and- Alex’s lips were soft- soft, and warm- and he tasted like caramel and- a bit like ramen- and John wanted more. They separated, and Alex let a grin split his face- John’s cheeks were tinged pink, his eyes were squeezed shut- and a little smile danced on his expression.

“I’ll go with you, to South Carolina.” Alex said with finality- it wasn’t a question, it was an assurance.

“That’s _so_ not what I’m thinking about right now,” John murmured, opening his eyes and letting his gaze flick back to Alex’s lips-. “Kiss me again, Lex.”

“As you wish, Laurens.”

“I don’t want to kiss you anym-.” John had begun to tease, but was cut off with Alex pressing his lips back onto John’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you are all welcome. 
> 
> thoughts?


	13. Easy Night In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm trying my hardest to keep up with these chapters, i have them pre-written up to chapter 16 at the moment and i'm trying to get more done so i can keep up with daily updates, but i'm super busy right now so we'll see if that happens! i'm trying my very hardest for you guys. <3

It was like a switch. John and Alex’s relationship- that is- like a switch. As soon as Alex had kissed John – twice- it had felt like a switch had just flipped from ‘on’ to ‘off.’ A new sense surrounded their friendship, no longer platonic- and even though they had only kissed for the first time an hour ago- John wanted nothing more than to curl up next to the boy and press lazy kisses to his jaw while his hands gripped at the collar of his-.

A short while later, John found himself cross-legged on Alex’s bed with his laptop and phone out in front of him. Alex himself was leaning against the headboard, his legs outstretched and a book- ‘My Petition for More Space’ to be precise- in his hands.

Every time he shifted, his shin brushed against John’s outer thigh.

John had texted his father.

“Will come home.”

That’s all it had said.

“Book flights with my credit card information. Is on file.”

Was the reply he had received.

So, booking two roundtrip tickets without his father noticing was rather simple.

“JFK to CHS? Does that sound right?” John had asked Alex passively.

“John F. Kennedy airport to Charleston airport, right?” Alex had murmured, looking up from his book- or rather, John’s book- for a moment. At catching John’s face, a smile appeared.

“Should be.”

“Should be correct,” Alex mocked a bit, leaning forward-.

John perked up, leaning in and crashing their lips together a bit too hard- causing him to draw back, with blood leaking from his lip.

“Oh, dammit,” John cursed, putting his hand on his lip to catch the blood.

Alex couldn’t help but chuckle as he grabbed a paper towel. He motioned for John to move his hand and then wiped up the blood again, his brown eyes shining as he looked down at the former with a degree of affection present in them,

“You’re a dork,” Alex murmured, throwing the paper towel out before pressing a _careful_ kiss to John’s lips.

A pink blush tinged the boy’s face and he hummed an agreement before turning back to his laptop.

Eventually, two flights had been booked for fairly cheap- John might have to lie to Henry and say he bought himself first class- but hopefully, his father wouldn’t even notice.

“When are the flights?” Alex queried, setting the book aside.

“Next weekend,” John shrugged, closing his laptop and rubbing at his eyes tiredly-. “Friday evening, we come home Saturday night. If all goes to plan.”

“Alright.” Alex leaned to the side, set his book on the nightstand and then leaned back again, opening his arms to John.

The latter gratefully crawled into them, pillowing his head- a bit hesitantly- on Alex’s shoulder and drawing his knees up.

Was this too much? Did Alex just mean to...sit side-by-side? Is John reading too much into this? Maybe they just kissed for-.

Alex pressed a soft kiss to John’s temple and the latter lost his train of thought, blushing and nuzzling his head into the crook of Alex’s neck.

“Hate you...” John murmured, voice muffled.

“Same goes,” Alex laughed.

They only stayed like that for a little while, because Alex’s phone rang. It startled John back into consciousness- a contrast from the half-sleeping state he’d been in prior. Alex had mumbled an apology as he tried to gently shift John off him so he could grab his phone.

Glancing at the time, John decided food was in order- and a shower. Shower first.

Their dorm had an attached shower with the bathroom- not the best, with cold water and slightly gross tiles- but he was just lucky there weren’t communal showers to worry about.

John caught Alex’s eye while the latter was on the phone and gestured to the bathroom, to which Alex nodded, before turning back to the paper he had been scribbling notes from the phone call onto.

John showered quickly, rinsing out his hair and washing his face- even used some of the fancy _scented_ body wash- before getting out, tossing on a pair of sweatpants- that were definitely Alex’s- and his green flannel.

The medium size of the flannels was slightly too big for him, so they kind of hung off him a bit- but John didn’t mind.

He emerged from the bathroom in his cozy attire, still rubbing at his hair with a towel, to find Alex sat against his bed, legs spread out and between them- and all around him- papers. The phone was on the floor now, and Alex had a legal pad on his thigh as he scribbled madly. He murmured mindless agreements to whoever was on the phone every few sentences.

John caught his attention and cocked his head, silently asking “what the fuck?” but Alex just shrugged and pointing back at the phone. John took the hint and left him alone, retiring to his own bed to check his bank balances to see if the chance of getting takeout was even possible.

Luckily, his bank balance wasn’t $0 – yet – so he decided it was good enough to get some food. He already knew what Alex liked from the Chinese restaurant- so he placed an online order, paid with his card, and waited eagerly.

Alex was finally hanging up the phone just as knocks sounded on the door. John got the takeout, thanked the delivery man, and brought the plastic bag over to Alex.

“You got Chinese?” Alex asked excitedly, grabbing the bag from John’s hands and tearing it open. “I just ate ramen, but, oh, I’m so hungry.”

“I haven’t eaten all day,” John confirmed, grabbing the little container with his food in it out of the bag. “So, that phone call?”

“That was Washington,” Alex explained, grabbing one of the plastic forks and taking a heaping forkful of rice into his mouth. “Oh, that’s good. Right, Washington. He put in a recommendation for me at the admin center for a local highschool- an intern- and they’re very interested.”

“A local highschool?” John queried, before remembering. “Oh, right. Teacher. Like me.”

Alex huffed a laugh. “Yes, John. Getting an in with the district would be good.”

“Makes sense,” John murmured, taking a bite of his food. “Pay?”

“Minimum wage. Surprised they’re paying an intern at all,” Alex chuckled. “Washington just gave me about all the information about the district, school, admin and other staff. That’s what I was writing.”

“Now, it’s scattered on our floor,” John mused, a smile quirking up his mouth.

“Exactly.”

The two finished their food in companionable silence before indulging in an episode of White Collar together- and to no one’s surprise, John fell asleep with Alex again. The latter simply fixed the pillows under the boy’s head and tucked the blanket up tight around him before grabbing his laptop and getting to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok all the support this story has been getting is making me so so happy! the lovely comments you all are leaving make me smile so much!! i'm so glad that you're all liking it, and that some chapters are even cheering you up or helping you? like that's all i want to do? make a thing that people enjoy and take comfort in? like!! guys!! i love you all!!
> 
> also this has over 100 kudos?? im so?? i!! thank you??!
> 
> seriously y'all i reply to every comment i get and i love love love reading them so!! if something's on your mind please do let me know! suggestions, thoughts, compliments ( ;) ) or critique, please!


	14. Everything Else Hurt Less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's just a lot... of hurt-comfort...and a bit of airport?

The week passed quickly. The nights remained largely the same- White Collar, John fell asleep, Alex tucked him in, and then worked until the terribly early hours of the morning- at which Alex fell asleep where he was sitting, or let himself fall over so he was curled near the foot of the bed.

Every morning John woke at 5:45, and every morning Alex was out the door before 6:00. John made tea and ramen for dinner.

The only changes to their schedules was that John was allowed to kiss Alex whenever he wanted- and John was okay with that.

It was Thursday night when Alex was curled up next to John, his head resting on his shoulder, as the second season of White Collar played on his laptop. John was only half-focusing, his mind was wandering-.

 Tomorrow the two of them would fly out to South Carolina to do whatever the hell they were going to do to say goodbye to John’s family, and then get back on a flight and be home before Sunday. Had John really come up with this half-assed, poorly thought-out plan?

“John?” Alex had murmured when he felt John clenching and unclenching his jaw. “What’s up?”

He paused the episode and sat up a bit, an arm slipping around John’s shoulders. The latter fell into the touch, tucking himself into Alex’s side willingly. A kiss was pressed to his head. He relished in the affection, a blush tinging his cheeks as a smile flickered across his face.

“I’m just nervous for tomorrow,” John explained, almost hesitantly. “I don’t really know what I’m even supposed to do.”

“Hey, don’t be nervous. He won’t hurt you. I’ll be right with you,” Alex soothed. “You’re going to tell them that you’re staying in New York, that you don’t want to be on bad terms with either of them, and that you’d like to stay in contact. Then you’re going to pack up everything you want to bring, and we’re going to go back, and you’re going to be happy.”

John lost his words. The way Alex laid everything out, in a factual and yet soft tone, sounding so sure of how it would work out, not sounding worried at all- John felt himself relax a bit, he stopped clenching his jaw.

“Okay,” John murmured, voice wavering a bit as he tucked his face into Alex’s neck.

“It’ll be alright, sweetheart,” Alex whispered softly, hand coming to card through John’s hair and scratch at his scalp.

The latter tipped his head into Alex’s hand, eyes fluttering closed as Alex ran his fingers along his head, down his neck- it felt so nice- he was almost ashamed at how quickly he faded into sleep.

This night, though, was different. Instead of curling up with his laptop, Alex slipped himself under the blankets on the bed and pulled John into his arms- who was a willing participant- and held the other boy close.

John was pressed into Alex’s chest, his face against his collar bone, hands up and resting in the fabric of Alex’s sweatshirt- comfort, warmth... peace. He was peaceful. One arm was under John’s head, wrapped around and pressing against his back, while the other was draped over the boy heavily, resting on his ribcage- moving every time he took a breath- a little reminder that he wasn’t alone.

 _How’d I get so lucky?_ John asked himself as his eyes shut and he drifted off.

The peace, sadly, only lasted until morning. Alex detached himself from John- who was awake enough to press a kiss to the side of his head before he left- and the day flew by. John didn’t pay attention in any of his classes, mind focused solely on the flight tonight and the adventures to come after it.

They both got back to the dorm around the same time. John was worrying at his lip again- it hadn’t started to bleed, so Alex hadn’t said anything- but John saw him tuck some paper towels into his jacket pocket before the two of them grabbed their stuff and left again.

Alex hailed a cab and the two got into the back seat, John sitting in the middle just to press close to Alex as his hands shook- just the slightest bit, though- and they were driven to JFK.

Their flight wasn’t until 6, so they had time for some dinner at a little cafe inside the terminal. Alex had a fancy grilled cheese while John just had an appetizer of tomato soup- which Alex eyed suspiciously.

He barely finished it, as he felt sick to his stomach. After Alex paid- much to John’s protest- but, to be fair, John’s meal had only cost $3- the two found their way to their gate.

Sitting down at two seats in front of the window, John tucked his feet up and leaned heavily into Alex, the shakes in his hands getting a bit more intense. Snakes crawled around in his stomach, uneasy and anxious- and they only slowed down when his teeth dug at his lip.

So, he pressed his teeth right to the split on his lip- quite forcefully- and Alex didn’t notice because he was reading something on his phone- and John only whimpered a little as the scab split open again and blood trickled out.

At his whimper, Alex looked up concernedly- saw the blood, and pulled out one of the paper towels. He leaned in front of John, used a hand to tilt his jaw towards himself gently- and wiped away the blood again. It stung a bit and John bit the inside of his cheek not to cry out- because he did this to himself- and he wanted the pain- because everything _else_ hurt less.

“Sweetheart, please stop doing that,” Alex murmured, stuffing the slightly-bloodied paper towel back in his hoodie.

John looked down ashamedly, and felt Alex sigh from next to him.

“M’sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm about to sit down with some tea and a scented candle and whack out some more chapters so i can keep daily updates this week. you're all welcome in advance. (; 
> 
> srsly tho who are AP classes and why do i know them


	15. Different Path

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for just basically henry laurens, and john crying

Their flight had begun to board soon after. As per protocol, they had waited in line before embarking the aircraft and taking their seats. They have been given 17a and 17b, right over the wing of the plane. Once the two had boarded, John had begged Alex for the window- disobeying their boarding passes-, and giving in to his childish excitement, Alex had allowed him it.

John was fairly certain that the guy sat in the aisle seat of their row was completely fed up with the pair of boys after John had delightedly pointed out the obvious fact that it was raining outside.

“I hope we don’t get delayed,” Alex had murmured quietly. “We only have about 24 hours in Charleston.”

John then proceeded to be reminded of the true nature of the current trip, and the excitement had instantly dried up in his veins to be replaced with a heavy dread- so, he was then silent as the plane was pushed back from the gate, taxied to the runway and loudly soared into the sky.

A short time after the plane had reached cruising altitude- when they were far above the clouds in the quickly-darkening sky- Alex’s hand had nudged John’s and the two boys had interlaced their fingers. That’s when Alex had felt how much John’s hands were trembling- with fear, anxiety, anticipation- all, and more, of those emotions.

John quickly found out that Alex had realized his physical state, so he had tried to flash what was supposed to be a reassuring smile, but it came off as panicked more than anything else.

At that, Alex had then leaned in close to John’s ear and whispered soothingly, “It’ll be okay, baby. I promise.”

John had then needed to consciously make an effort to refrain from crying.

The plane had landed on time, pulled up to its gate on time, and Alex and John had pulled up to John’s estate on time.

“Okay, you could’ve mentioned that your family has an estate. I would’ve worn my good boots,” Alex had teased- in an attempt to lighten the mood- as the two stepped out of the taxi. John paid with the small amount of cash he had on them while Alex was staring past the large, wrought-iron gate stood at the entrance.

“Firstly, you have horse statues. Secondly, you have horse statues. Thirdly-,” John cut him off with a teasing nudge as he punched in a code to the keypad.

He almost felt guilty for remembering it so easily.

The gates creaked and swung inward, revealing a gravel pathway up to a large house- or, rather, mansion. A porch wrapped around the entire front of the house, flowers and vegetables decorated the ground in font of it. To the right was a sand arena and a large barn, housing what Alex guessed were horses.

“Horses? Seriously?” Alex gaped.

“You did see the statues,” John whispered.

“Is one yours?” the boy gasped, leaning in close to John. “Do you ride?”

“I’m going to hit you in the face,” John replied calmly, turning to Alex and trying to keep the smile off his face. “If you behave, I’ll show you Turtle.”

“No! Its’ name is Turtle? John, I am going to kill you if you named your horse Turtle.” Alex laughed, a bit hysterically, as the two stepped up towards the front door.

“I won’t tell you about my other one, then?” John mocked as he knocked on the door- trying to calm his nerves.

“The other one? There’s another one? Oh, God, what’s the name. Frog? Deer? Butterfly?” Alex mocked. “Oh, wait, I bet it’s Hor-.”

He cut himself off when the large door swung inwards to reveal an all-too-familiar man, Henry Laurens.

“Hello, son.” His gaze pierced Alex, harsh eyes drilling into him. “I wasn’t aware that you’d brought a friend.”

“Hello, sir. Alexander Hamilton.” Alex extended a hand, which Henry did not shake. “True pleasure.”

“I remember you. It is not a pleasure. I’d be shocked if you expect yourself to be allowed in this house.”

“Dad! Stop it. I’m here. Let him in so we can talk.”

Henry didn’t say another word, but he walked back inside, so Alex figured he was loosely permitted to enter.

“Am I allowed on the furniture?” Alex whispered in John’s ear, raising a chuckle from him- Henry turned around and glared.

For once in his life, Alex took the cue to shut up.

The two found themselves led into the living room. Alex’s eyes caught a photo of a younger John on the wall, and apparently John had seen it too, because Alex felt the boy tense up next to him.

“Did you ship your bags over? Your room is exactly as you left it. I already contacted the university to let them know that-.”

“Dad, stop.”

Henry looked up from where he had begun to pour a pitcher of water into a glass. “Excuse me?”

“I’m not coming home. I’m just here to say a proper goodbye to you, and mom. I’m going to finish my education in New York, and then...I’ll figure the rest out. I don’t want to cut you out completely,” John started, trying to correct his wording to seem...non-hostile. “I’m just taking on a different path currently.”

Henry Laurens was actively attempting not to explode, and both John and Alex could tell. He set the pitcher down loudly, water splashing about, and he had opened his mouth as if to- and then, he shut it.

“Very well. Do as you wish. You’re an adult.” Henry turned to John, eyes boring into him. “Remember my promise.”

The sentence from the phone call ran in John’s mind, _“I will make your life a living hell.”_

“Since you’re so eager to take this- this new _path_ , get out of my house.”

“I’m going to grab some stuff from my room-,” John started, voice wavering- but he stopped as Henry cut him off with a waved hand.

“I don’t care. Farewell, son.”

“Can I see mom?”

“No!” Henry roared, slamming his fist onto the counter.

John turned away from his father and hastened to the staircase, entire body shaking as he climbed it two steps at a time- he vaguely heard Alex following him- and when he burst into his room, he couldn’t contain it anymore and he began to cry.

Instantly, arms wrapped around him from behind. A body pressed up against his, a cheek pressed against his head- and he turned into Alex, wrapping his arms around him tightly as he tried to stifle his tears- breath hitching and catching in his throat. Alex ran his hands up and down John’s back soothingly.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Alex whispered in John’s ear. “It’ll be okay.”

John wanted to believe him.

Alex helped John pack some things he wanted to keep into his suitcase. John had first found his little wall safe with his cash savings- he hadn’t had time to get it before flying to New York the last time, but he wasn’t going to forget it this time.

A few thousand dollars were now hidden under a sweater in his suitcase.

John mainly grabbed some old shirts and jackets, a pair of nice shoes, and some little trinkets.

A stuffed turtle made its way into the suitcase at some point, and Alex pretended not to notice.

A pillow ended up stuffed in there, too.

“Am I not a good enough pillow for you?” Alex had asked with mock-offense.

“You’re plenty good, I just need another one to put over my ears so I don’t have to hear your typing,” John retorted teasingly, his voice still a little shaky.

“Hey!” Alex teased, hitting him in the arm.

Eventually they made it out of the house. John was shaking again and as soon as the door shut behind them, Alex grabbed his hand and rubbed circles in his skin with his thumb.

“So... the horses?” Alex asked eagerly.

“Alex, that is so not what I’m thinking about right now,” John laughed a bit sadly, but regardless, turned his feet to head to the barn.

The doors rolled open easily, and John dropped his suitcase near them before heading down the aisle lined with horse stalls.

Alex followed, enamored by the huge animals. He tapped one on the nose and it snorted, so he snorted back at it.

“This is Turtle,” John said, standing at a stall a few feet away.

Alex caught up to him, peering into the stall. A dark-colored horse was standing there with its nose pressed against the bars, huffing into John’s hand.

“Hey, buddy,” John murmured, his fingers scratching gently at the horse’s muzzle. “How’re you?”

Turning back to Alex, John continued, “Uh, he’s a dark bay Thoroughbred. He’s a hunter. Which basically means we used to jump over hedges and ditches to pretend we were in the English countryside during the 1700s.”

“Sounds fun,” Alex said, scratching the horse’s nose. “Hello. Yes. Hey, want to know a secret? I like your owner, a lot.”

John blushed, chuckling and turning away before he felt Alex come near him and peck him on the cheek.

“I think I like you a lot, too,” John murmured, tipping his head up to connect their lips.


	16. Vines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like highkey like this chapter? its a bit messy but i feel like it was one of my better writing days

Of all the things John had expected to happen that day, their flight being canceled was not one of them.

After leaving John’s father’s property, they had found a nice little hotel to spend the night. Later the next day, the pair had headed to the airport.

So, there they stood, bags in hand, at the check-in desk of United Airlines- looking at the screen that the attendant had turned towards them with the big red ‘canceled’ sign on it.

“That’s quite unfortunate,” Alex had sighed.

John had groaned and dropped his head onto Alex’s shoulder, eyes shutting tightly. He did not want to deal with this.

“Our next one to JFK is tomorrow at 8 PM. We would love to give you a voucher for an overnight hotel and a meal,” the attendant said with a smile. “Does that sound alright?”

“Is that satisfactory, John?” Alex had asked, shrugging his shoulder to get John’s attention.

“Fine by me.”

“Wonderful.” The check-in attendant printed out the vouchers, and the two boys left.

“I’m sorry, Alex,” John had said as the two hailed a cab and stepped in. “I dragged you away from all your work and now you’re stuck here another night.”

“I don’t recall any dragging, in fact, I reckon I was the one that insisted upon my attendance,” Alex said, glancing at the cab driver self-consciously. “It’s no trouble.”

John scrunched up his nose and laughed a few quick, short breaths before leaning close to Alex’s ear and whispering, “You use big words when you’re around people you don’t know.”

Alex shot John a glare, as if offended. John furrowed his brow and leaned back into his seat, fiddling with his hands.

The cab arrived at a little, run down hotel on the outskirts of the airport’s surrounding area rather quickly. They grabbed their luggage, Alex paid the driver, and they stood outside staring up at the building.

The walls were a creamy yellow color, peeling and stained from water or whatever substances may have come in contact with the paint. Little windows decorated the walls, white frames chipped and dirty but still charming. Some of the windows were next to balconies, with similar-looking railings. Bright green vines were climbing up over the walls and winding their lithe forms around the railings, leaves sprouting out from the main body of the vine to create a jungle-like look.

John dared to slip his hand into Alex’s, and was received with a reassuring squeeze. Alex stepped forward first, and John followed him through the creaky doors to the run-down hotel.

They booked a room, handed over the voucher and were heading to the elevators when some snickering was heard by John. He glanced over his shoulder and noticed a little family, two little boys and the parents, staring at them with their hands over their mouths. Wondering why, John looked down at his and Alex’s linked hands and turned crimson as he pulled his hand from his grasp.

He forgot he was back in the south.

Alex looked at him questioningly, and John just tipped his head to the laughing family. Instantly, Alex’s eyes steeled over and he set his jaw, preparing to-.

John put a soft hand around his upper arm, leaning in to murmur, “It’s not worth it” into his ear. Alex, by some miracle, complied, and soon the two were safe in the elevator.

The metal box groaned as it heaved the two boys up to the second floor, where their room was. Following the poorly-painted signs, they found themselves quickly walking down the hallway with the ugly wallpaper and chaotic carpet. Many oranges, yellows and greens combined together both on the floors and on the walls- to be honest, the colors gave John a headache.

After a few tries, their door actually opened to reveal one queen bed, a ratty bathroom, a small dresser and a little armchair and desk. To John’s pleasure, a dirty glass door revealed a small, vine-surrounded balcony.

John dropped his bags near the foot of the bed and instantly stepped to the door, heaving it open and walking onto the wooden platform.

The wood screeched under his feet and he hesitantly stepped forward until his hands were braced on the edge of the balcony, leaves of the vines tickling his palms, as he looked out over the view. To the right was the very end of the airport’s property, a little chain-link fence dictating just that. Beyond that was a single, windy road, and open field with many types of crops. John knew one was corn, thought one to be wheat, and- was the other barley?

In the far distance, the sun was dipping below the rows of crops. Clouds were coming in from the distant side of the sky.

John felt the wood shift under his feet and then an arm slipped around his waist gently, pulling him back into the present. He leaned back into the grip, tipping his head back to rest against Alex’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and breathed in Alex’s scent, half cheap cologne and half fresh-brewed coffee.

Soft lips pressed to the skin below his ear and he twitched a bit at the tickling sensation- laughing a bit- and writhing away when Alex did it again.

“Sorry I mocked you,” John murmured, growing somber again.

“It’s okay,” Alex replied in an equally-quiet tone, resting his chin atop the smaller boy’s head. “You’re right. I have a need to... to make people think I’m intelligent.”

“You don’t need to _make_ anyone think you’re intelligent,” John pondered. “You are. They know it.”

“I make sure they know it, by using big words.”

“I know.”

“About me using big words, or about me being smart?”

“Both.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rushing out the door today but still managed to get this up for you guys!! promised to bring my teacher coffee before school (my fave teacher, my best friend, my guy, the bestest dude around) so im off now!! bye pals! enjoy!


	17. No One Noticed

The two had stood on the balcony, wrapped up in each other’s embrace- warm and content, silent- until the sun had finished receding below the horizon and the sky was painted a dark purple. The clouds had come nearer, accompanied by a cold wind, which had led the two lovers to retreat inside.

The door had stayed open, though, giving the room access to the brisk night air which chilled John to the bone- but Alex seemed to be loving it, so he didn’t complain. John soon found himself curled up on the bed, tucked under the blankets, while Alex sat at the desk typing on the laptop he had brought.

John poked his head up above the scratchy comforter and whined, a little pitiful noise, which caught Alex’s attention. The latter twisted his head around to fix John with a curious gaze.

“Come here. I’m lonely.”

“One more page?” Alex tried to barter, but just looking at John’s big eyes was enough to draw him away. “Okay, I’ll take a break.”

“I thought you could never take a break?” John teased, referencing what Alex had said at the library the night that the two had found out they were roommates.

“I’ll make an exception for you,” Alex had said. Unbeknownst to him, that had meant a lot to John.

Alex had climbed into the bed, right next to John. The smaller boy had shifted up to lean against his side- one of Alex’s arms around his shoulders- and pressed lazy kisses to his neck until he grew too tired, and began to drift off.

His last conscious thought was, _“Wow, I love this boy_ ,” as Alex laid him down so his head was resting on the pillow, pressed a long kiss to his temple and murmured, “Sleep well, John.”

The boy had woken the next morning by a gentle hand on his arm and lips on his forehead. Groaning and rolling over, John refused- only relenting when Alex said slowly, “Well, I can’t kiss you if your face is in the pillow.”

True to his word, Alex had greedily pressed his own lips to John’s as soon as the other boy had rolled over again. His hand made its way to John’s hair, running through it and then resting on the back of his skull as he nipped at John’s bottom lip.

John squeaked, feeling the scabbed-over split throb in pain, but then pressed back against Alex harder, silently daring him to do it again. Alex complied and John let a hand come to rest on the side of Alex’s neck, his cold fingers harsh against Alex’s warm skin. He dug his fingertips in as the kiss grew more intense, sitting up a bit more so he could put his other hand on Alex’s side- the thin t-shirt the boy was wearing did a poor job of covering his lean stomach.

Alex pulled away and John whined, leaning forward just to meet air. Alex laughed a bit before leaning back in and giving John a significantly more passive kiss before detaching himself from the boy and standing back up.

“Mean,” John had murmured, flipping himself back over and hiding his face in the pillow to hide his kiss-sore lips and reddened face.

“I’m hungry. There’s a little diner down the road. You game?”

“No,” John hissed playfully, but despite his verbal response, rolled over and sat up. “Okay, fine. Only because I’m hungry.”

“Well, that’s typically why people eat food,” Alex sassed, peeling his t-shirt off of his body.

John’s reply died in his throat, eyes tracing over the tanned planes of Alex’s smooth stomach- the skinniness of which probably depended on his sparse diet of tea and ramen.

The former felt a little self-conscious, tugging the comforter up to hide the little bit of fat that he held on his own stomach. Despite his diet being largely similar to Alex’s, he was smaller and put on weight more easily.

Alex slipped a long-sleeved t-shirt over his head and beckoned to John, who shook himself out of his thoughts and stood up to get dressed.

He ended up in jeans and the maroon and navy flannel that Alex had bought him, and the two made their way down to the lobby with their hands locked again.

As soon as the elevator slid open to reveal a crowd of people around the desk and surrounding chairs, John slipped his hand from Alex’s grip. Looking down briefly, Alex sighed and leaned down to whisper to John, “Trust me, please.”

John bit his lip- not drawing blood this time, though- and tentatively put his hand back into Alex’s palm.

Alex squeezed it reassuringly and held his chin high as he led the smaller boy through the throng of people and to the doors on the other side. With his free hand he flung the door open, stepping out into the sunlight.

“See?” he said, looking down once again. “It’s okay. No one even noticed.”

John couldn’t stomach a verbal reply, he just nodded.

“It’s alright. C’mon, this way.” Alex turned and headed down the road to the right, towards where a diner supposedly laid.

They made it to the diner quickly, it was only a quarter mile away- just past a curve in the road. It backed up to the fence of the airport, so the two of them watched planes land and take off, through a big window, as they waited for their food.

The diner itself was small. It held a bar and about 6 booths. The inside was painted white, and the booths were all a warm chocolate brown color. The tables were other bright colors, some blue, some orange. The one Alex and John were sat at was pink. They’d given their orders to an older fellow, and were now sitting in companionable silence while awaiting their breakfast.

“Planes are really cool,” John said, breaking the quiet as he watched another one takeoff. “I wanted to be a pilot for a while. Then my dad said no.”

“Do you still want to be?” Alex asked.

John waited for a moment before answering. “No. I’m happy to be a teacher. In highschool... I didn’t have many friends. This one teacher of mine was always there for me, though. He helped me out when I came to school with injuries from my Dad, and made sure I was doing alright any other time. I want to be that teacher for some kid.”

“That’s a really pure reason, John. I just want to be a teacher so I can cram American History down some poor kids’ heads,” Alex laughed, and then went quiet. “Are you still in contact with that teacher?”

“Oh, no. He- uh, he died just before I went off to college. He helped me send out college applications just before he left to go to Europe to visit some sick family for a while. Got special permission from the local admin and everything. He wasn’t gonna be back for months, so we had a long-term sub. The first day he was supposed to be back I ran to his classroom before school with my acceptance letters- the sub was still there, with the principal, and the principal told me he had died in a car crash.” John rubbed at his eyes, but didn’t take his gaze off the stream of planes coming and leaving just inside the airport fence.

“That’s pretty terrible, babe.”

“I’m aware.”

“Do you know much about planes?” Alex said, changing the subject.

“A bit,” John huffed. Another one took off, and he pointed at it. “That’s a United plane. Boeing 777-300. It’s probably an international flight, because they don’t use those types of planes for domestic flights. That one right there is American Eagle, which is the subsidiary airline of American Airlines. It’s an Embraer 145.”

“So yeah, a bit, then?” Alex laughed, causing John to let a little smile grace his features.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! this one!! was nice! i liked it.


	18. Thousands Of Dollars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got an interesting chapter for you folks
> 
> TW for like panic and hospitals so read at yer own risk kiddos stay safe love yall

John’s head was spinning for the rest of the day. They left their hotel in the evening and boarded their flight, only delayed about an hour due to heavy clouds.

Their plane landed at JFK just after 11:30 PM, and John was falling asleep as Alex tried to hail a cab. Finally grabbing one, Alex had to shove John inside before giving the dorm’s address to the driver.

“Almost home?” John slurred, turning his face farther into the warmth of Alex’s side. “M’tired.”

“I know, sweetheart. You feeling alright?”

“Great, clearly,” John mumbled, a bit more coherently, but his voice was muffled from the fabric of Alex’s jacket.

John doesn’t remember the rest of the cab ride.

He does remember Alex helping him out of the cab, slinging an arm around his waist to hold up his tired form as the two of them made their way towards the lobby of the dorm building.

He does remember himself mumbling, “I don’t feel so great,” before collapsing onto the sidewalk.

He does remember the solid crack his head made against the concrete.

Alex’s mind was a blur after John hit the ground. He yelled, dropped to his knees and shook John’s shoulders desperately. He knows he called 911 at some point, because soon the flashing red and white lights filled his eyes and John was being heaved into a stretcher and into the back of an ambulance.

“You can’t ride with us, sir,” Alex had been told, trying to follow John into the vehicle. “Drive to the hospital, sir. Pacific Hospital, sir.”

Alex had run to their dorm, dumped their bags on the floor and called a cab- begging the driver to take him to Pacific Hospital as quick as he could- speed, hell- just to get him there.

He arrived at the hospital 10 minutes after leaving his dorm. He paid the driver a wad of cash, probably far too much, but he didn’t care much. He ran into the lobby, looking around frantically. Finding the information desk, he shoved through a little crowd and got the attention of the receptionist.

“John Laurens. Where is he?”

“Sir, what’s your relation to the patient?” The lady asked, looking up. She had cropped black hair and dark skin, and was dressed in a purple cardigan.

“Best friend? Boyfriend? I don’t care, please, let me see him,” Alex had begged.

Something clicked in the lady’s eyes and she nodded, giving him the room number 312.

Alex had whisked off, searching for signs on the walls, and eventually made his way to the third floor and then to John’s room.

He got there just as a small cluster of doctors and nurses left. Bursting through the door, Alex felt pounds of tension ease from his shoulders as he saw John conscious in the bed.

A few pounds came back as he noticed the tear tracks down John’s face.

“Hey! Hey, I’m here,” Alex had said, tripping over his own words in his haste to get them out- to just tell John-. “Are you okay? Babe, I was so worried- your head just cracked against the ground!”

John looked up and made eye contact with Alex, just causing his eyes to soften even more and wet tears to spill over.

“Oh, baby,” Alex soothed, walking over to John and hopping into the bed, scooting over next to John and opening his arms. “Come here. What’s wrong?”

“You- you know when you’re upset, and you think of comfort from a specific person, and thinking of that makes you want to cry?” John said, breath hitching in his throat as he forced back tears. “That’s what I just felt with you.”

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or not,” Alex murmured, nosing the side of John’s head and leaving a kiss behind his ear. “That didn’t answer my question, though.”

“I’m fine. They don’t know why I passed out. They’re running blood tests and stuff,” John mumbled, rolling his head to the side- away from Alex- to hide more tears as they rolled down his cheeks. His voice remained unaffected by the crying- he fought to keep it steady, with success. “They said it’s probably just dehydration or something.”

“That’s good, then. Nothing serious. Why’re you upset?” Alex murmured gently.

“I can’t afford any of this,” John admitted, turning to Alex again- despite the tears-, “The ambulance will be a thousand dollars. All the tests? More! A nurse is bringing me discharge papers-! I need to get out before anything costs more than what it already does. I physically _cannot_ afford this! I don’t have the money!”

“Hey, hey,” Alex soothed as John descended into hysterics. “It’s okay. It’s okay, sweetheart. Your health is more important than money.”

“No, no it’s not!” John burst out, wrenching himself from Alex’s arms. “If I can’t- if I can’t afford this, you know what’ll happen? I’ll have to drop out of school, just to pay it off- Alex, this is going to be thousands of dollars- then I’ll have to go home and _beg_ my father to pay it back- and I’ll have to go back to school in South Carolina- and I’ll have to be a _lawyer_ and- Alex!”

“John, it’s in your best interests that you shut up right now. I’ll do everything I can to help you, but you’re just stressing yourself out. I need you to be quiet, and breathe.” Alex commanded, his voice going from soothing to authoritative. At the end, he added a softer, “Please, baby.”

John hiccupped once more before leaning back against the pillow, staring straight ahead with a steeled expression as he wiped tears away from his eyes.

He dropped his gaze to his lap and murmured, “Okay. Sorry, Alex. I won’t- I won’t do it again.”

Alex fluttered his eyes closed before tipping his head up to the ceiling. “No, John, that’s not- I’m not mad. I just don’t want you to freak yourself out until you panic.”

“I- I won’t. I won’t make you deal with that,” John assured hurriedly, still afraid of Alex being angry- and that hurt Alex more than anything physical could have. “I know it’s...annoying.”

“Stop it!” Alex burst out, laughing- but laughing without any humor- it was just a desperate, pleading laugh. “No, please. I’m not mad. You’re not annoying. You’re not a burden. I will do everything I can to help you right now, okay, baby? You mean so much to me.”

John swallowed heavily, feeling tears burn at his eyes again.

“Okay,” he managed softly, his voice weak. “Okay, Lex.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> off to school again! getting some coffee first, one of my teachers is taking the class to go see a play during 4th period so im pretty hyped. then i'll be TAing for a few hours after school. a good day.


	19. Dancing

John signed discharge papers hours later. When they handed him the ‘receipt’ or printed-out invoice, Alex pocketed it before John could even look.

“Just the beginnings of the flu, followed by dehydration,” John muttered as the two of them got into a cab at 3 AM. “So, totally worth that much money.”

“We’ll get it paid off, John,” Alex murmured. “I bet the university will cover some of it, as you passed out on their property.”

“How wonderful,” the boy said unemotionally, leaning his head against Alex’s shoulder as the cab trundled on through the surprisingly crowded streets.

Alex sighed and turned his head out the window, the bright lights of the cityscape attracting his eyes. The purples and blues of the nightclubs lighting, the yellow of the apartment windows, the grey haze cast over everything by the moon- Alex knew everything was going to be okay, because they were both in the greatest city in the world.

Alex put John to bed as soon as they got home, pulled the covers up over the boy’s shoulders despite his protests, and then curled up next to him to silence his whines. He’d pulled the boy into his arms- one around his chest and the other under his head- and pressed quiet kisses to the back of his head until he felt John’s breathing even out and he had deemed it alright for himself to fall asleep, as well.

Alex woke up with his alarm at 5:45 and silenced it as quickly as he could, to prevent John from waking, but was unsuccessful.

“Lex? What time is it?” the boy had groaned, rolling over and scrunching up his nose.

“5:45,” Alex whispered as he pulled on jeans and a coat. “You going to class today?”

“Mhmm,” John mumbled, rolling out of bed and stretching weakly. “I’ll...walk with you. To wherever you go in the mornings.”

“It’ll be boring,” Alex warned.

John just muttered something incoherent and pulled on jeans and a t-shirt.

The two left the dorm 15 minutes later, John clinging onto Alex’s arm like a needy child. Alex was just laughing at the tired boy’s actions, like when he tripped over his own foot and spooked at a shadow on the wall.

“You’re really not good at dealing with no sleep,” Alex commented, to which John glared.

“You’re so observant,” John sassed, catching his foot on a deep crack in the sidewalk. “Ow!”

“Do you even know where we’re going?” Alex asked, steadying his boyfriend with a supportive arm.

“Not the faintest.”

“A cafe.”

“Oh?”

“I come here every morning. I get coffee and sit and watch. Then I go to class.”

As Alex finished talking, the two arrived at the little shop. A soft bell on the door jingled as they stepped inside.

The cafe was largely empty, aside from an older man reading the newspaper and two baristas at the counter. The floor was dark wood and the walls a deep navy, giving the entire store a cool, calm aura. A glass case with pastries was sat under a hanging chalkboard with different types of drinks written on it. Plush chairs sat around low wooden tables decorated the room.

“Hello! Alex!” one of the baristas called, a smile on his face- John instantly recognized him.

“Laf works here?” John asked Alex a bit amusedly.

“Yes,” Alex chuckled, tipping his head towards the counter. “C’mon.”

“John! Hello! Quite the surprise seeing you here. What brings you?” Laf asked, tilting his head excitedly. His dark eyes shone.

“I just followed Alex around this morning,” John shrugged. “Been a while since I’ve seen you. How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been quite well, thank you John! What would you like to order? Wait, I know, I have the best tea that you’ll love. On the house!” Lafayette chirped, not letting John get a word in. “Alex, usual? Also on the house, for fairness’s sake.”

“You got it. Thanks a bunch, Laf,” Alex said with a charming smile before the two left the counter and made their way to a chair and table set in the corner, near a big floor-to-ceiling window.

John sat down at one chair, Alex at the other, and their eyes met over the small wooden table in the middle of them. John let out a little laugh first, at nothing in particular, and Alex followed with a deep chuckle.

“What?” Alex asked, a smile still quirked up at the corner of his mouth.

“Nothing. I just expected wherever you went to be...less interesting, you know? I thought you hung out with a professor or something,” John admitted.

“I only do that on Fridays,” Alex explained. “Burr doesn’t let me in on any of the other days.”

“Why does he only let you in on Fridays?” John asked bemusedly.

“I have his class at the start of the day. He opens the doors at 5:45 for all the students. He can’t _not_ let me in.”

“You’re quite the interesting man, Alex,” John said with a small, light laugh.

Lafayette soon appeared with a mug of tea and a cup of coffee. He handed them to their respective owners before giving the two of them a smile and a thumbs up and ducking off.

“Does he and Herc know we’re dating?” John asked without much thought, before sniffing his tea.

“We’re dating?” Alex asked.

John froze.

“Oh, well- uh, I figured- since we- I mean, you came to South Carolina with me,” John fished for words. “We don’t have to be? I just-.”

“John.”

He stopped and looked up, appearing quite like a deer caught in the headlights of a semitruck- or, no, a train.

“I’d like to be. If you would, as well.”

“I- Alex. God. You-. Okay.” John ducked behind his cup, holding it to protect his reddening face.

“This means I have to take you out on a real date,” Alex said, sipping his coffee. “Do you like to dance?”

“No,” John squeaked.

“Dancing it is.”

“No!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello dears. sorry for the later update, i had a few things to do this morning, then i went to the gym, and then on a walk with my dog- anyway, here it is. hope you liked this lighter chapter!


	20. Promise

“John! John!” Alex cried, throwing open the door to the dorm and parading inside with a wad of papers in his right hand. “John! Guess what?”

Looking up from where he was laying on Alex’s bed, John rubbed his eyes and asked, “What?”

“You know that job that Washington tried to get me? I was accepted! I start after winter break!” Alex exclaimed, running over to John and dropping to his knees beside the bed. “John. I’m so excited.”

John let a smile spread on his face as he sat up. “That’s awesome, babe. I’m so happy for you.”

“You don’t seem too thrilled,” Alex laughed, his enthusiasm dimmed a bit- John instantly felt bad.

“I’m sorry. I feel sick,” John ran a hand through his hair. “But seriously, that’s awesome. It’s at the local highschool, right?”

Alex’s excitement flooded back into him. “Yep! I’m essentially a TA for like... all the teachers. A new one every few days. I help organize, grade, whatever, and I get paid for it! The job itself might be a bit boring- except when I TA for a history teacher, that’ll be like a flash into the future- but this will give me my in with the district for when I’m looking for a job.”

“That’s really cool, babe,” John said, slipping off the bed and leaning down to where Alex was still balanced on his knees to press a kiss to his lips. “Every weekday?”

“Yep! Just from 3 to 5, though. After school hours.” Alex stood back up and set the stack of papers on his desk before whisking off to the kitchen to make some ramen. “I’m a little sad I won’t get to spend all evening in bed with you, but I’ll make sure we do some exciting stuff on the weekends.”

“I’m not worried about that. I know you’ll find time for me. Or, I’ll make you,” John teased, getting up to lean against the counter and watch Alex fix dinner. “Or, I could just follow you around school. Make some friends with some important people.”

“Maybe you could date the principal,” Alex suggested.

“They’re probably married.”

“An affair! So scandalous!”

“I could blackmail them into hiring me, otherwise I’d threaten to expose our saucy relationship.”

“Solid plan, babe,” Alex kissed John quickly, holding a package of ramen and a bowl of water in each hand, respectively. “You’re quite the genius.”

“I know. Thanks,” John huffed, flipping his hair sassily. “Well, that’ll work if I don’t die of the plague first.”

“You have like...a fourth of the flu.”

“A fourth? I have at least a third,” John protested, before breaking off to cough into his elbow. “See?”

“You’re coughing and have a fever. That’s hardly anything,” Alex said, a bit quieter. His thoughts instantly went back to when he was a young boy, on the island with his mother- when his mother died.

Alex stuck his ramen in the microwave and hit the timer.

“I feel like I’m dying,” John said dramatically, huffing a laugh as an afterthought.

“You’re not dying,” Alex said, surprisingly strongly, as he took his ramen out of the microwave and slammed it closed a bit forcefully. “You’re fine.”

John swallowed and turned away, “Yeah, of course. I was just joking around, Lex.”

“Yeah.”

Alex took his ramen out of the microwave and retreated to his bed, where he sat with his legs crossed and his phone balanced on a knee as he ate the blistering hot and slightly gross ramen.

John took the hint to retreat to his own bed, where he curled up- noting that it had been a few weeks since he’d slept in that bed.

 _For good reason,_ he thought as he slid under the covers, _It’s cold._

John hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but he had- alone and shivering.

Some time later Alex had looked up, finished with his ramen, to see John curled up in his bed with his back to Alex.

Feeling a pang of guilt, he set his dirty bowl in the sink before padding over to John. He put a hand on his shoulder and shook it, murmuring, “John?”

With no reply, Alex climbed into bed next to him. He wriggled under the covers and pulled them up to his chin, turning into John and fitting his body around the boy’s smaller figure. He slipped an arm under his head and draped another over his chest, hugging him close as he nestled his face into John’s mop of hair.

He hadn’t a right to be mad. John was just playing around. Alex hadn’t even told John about his mom, so he had no way of knowing that what he said was hitting a bit too close to home for Alex’s taste.

“I’m sorry,” Alex murmured into John’s hair, not expecting a reply- and startling a bit when he got one.

“Me too,” John whispered before pressing back into Alex and sighing contentedly.

“My mom died of a sickness when I was young,” Alex said quietly, testing the waters. John didn’t tense up or move away, so he continued. “I almost did, too.”

“I’m sorry, Alex. I had no idea.”

“I know. I should’ve told you.”

“You didn’t have to.” John said quietly.

“Please don’t die,” Alex said, a bit weaker than he had expected- he hoped John hadn’t heard his voice crack a bit.

“I won’t,” John assured, his voice laden with emotion. “Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for the super late update, but i was in so much physical (& emotional lol) pain all day that i hardly got out of bed to do homework.
> 
> this is my last pre-written chapter so sadly i will not have an update til tomorrow night, probably close to this time again, but i'll do my best to ensure you all get one tomorrow.
> 
> thank you so much for all the kudos and comments. the longer, thoughtful comments make me so so happy. that said, so do the shorter, excited ones which i relate to a lot. i love you all so much even if you don't leave comments or kudos.


	21. Bigger Words

When John woke up the following Sunday morning, he was extremely aware that his surroundings had shifted majorly since the prior night. For one, Alex was no longer curled around him comfortingly, but leaned up against the wall beside John. John’s head was nudged into his side, under Alex’s elbow- which moved against his head as Alex scrolled through the computer in his lap.

John whined and wriggled upwards, his hands brushing against the cold metal of the laptop which elicited a noise of protest from his throat.

“Lex,” John groaned, blinking at the harsh light from the single window in the room. “What’re you doing?”

“John. John, your father.”

Instantly John was awake, he lurched out of bed with a panicked noise and grabbed for Alex’s laptop, who, surprisingly, forfeited it to the boy in interest of letting him read the news article which Alex had gathered his given information from.

“The press- they- oh, my God,” John murmured unsteadily, his voice wavering. “Alex- Lex- this is bad, this is-.”

Alex shushed John soothingly, slipping an arm around his shoulders and allowing John to sink into his side. The arm slipped to his waist and Alex’s fingertips brushed against a bare patch of skin that had been exposed below John’s loose shirt.

John’s breath halted as Alex’s cold fingers trailed along an expanse of skin just below his ribs and he arched into the contact just the slightest- before his eyes caught the computer screen and he whimpered again.

Alex put his arm tighter around John’s waist, comforting- holding- present. John relaxed again.

“I don’t want to panic,” John said slowly, “But I’m going to.”

“You don’t have to,” Alex soothed. “We’ll figure it out together, right? Read me the part of the article that bugs you the most.”

John swallowed and scanned the page for a moment. “It says ‘son John Laurens ran away from his giving and loving family just prior to the start of his junior year of college. It is unknown by father Henry Laurens why his son abruptly left their southern residence but he knows where he son is currently residing, that being at Liberty University in dorm room 340. Senator Laurens says that his son has refused contact and is being ‘ungrateful and unclear’ in his motives at leaving his estate.”

“Okay. I’m going to guess that the most irritating things are how your father made it sound like you up and left for no reason, right?” Alex said, voice irritatingly calm- John breathed in, then out, then in- out.

“Yes. They also gave out our exact dorm number- Alex, that can’t be legal- and I’m not refusing contact- I flew back home- we- flew back home! You-,” John started, breathing heavier and quicker- eyes widening and hands curling into tight fists. “He’s lying!”

A moment later, a cold hand was on his jaw, tilting his chin to the side and then- warm, full lips on his trembling own washed away his current concerns and he was swept up in the desire to kiss Alex- just Alex- forever.

Their lips worked- against and with- each other fluidly, pressing and nipping and little flicks of tongue- the laptop soon found itself discarded by the foot of the bed and John found himself leaned up half of Alex’s body with his lips attached to Alex’s jaw.

“John,” Alex groaned, sounding regretful, “As much as I- ah- would like this to continue, I think we should- uh- continue our conversation.”

John flicked his tongue out to soothe a red patch of Alex’s neck before drawing back obediently and sitting back against the headboard.

“That was a wonderful de-stressor,” John commented, voice unusually passive and light.

“Do you want to text your father?” Alex redirected.

“Oh, and the next headline will be ‘Son attacks ungrateful father over heartbreaking news article.’ No thanks,” John sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Alex noted that John’s breathing had evened out, just the slightest bit, and he smiled to himself.

“Ignore it, then?” Alex asked.

“Or sue for harassment,” John muttered weakly. “Yeah.”

“Oh, that’s much better than a text,” Alex said sarcastically. “It’ll say ‘Son sues father for harassment over truth about his flee from home.’”

“My imaginary title was catchier.”

“Mine used bigger words.”

“I said ‘heartbreaking’ and ‘ungrateful.’”

“I said ‘harassment’ and ‘flee.’”

“My words are bigger.”

“No, mine are!”

 “Fine, you win. This round!” Alex settled begrudgingly, grabbing his laptop again and beginning to browse through the internet again, in search of- John had no idea.

John grabbed his phone off Alex’s bedside table and snuggled in next to Alex’s side- who slipped an arm around him again- and began to browse, as well.

He purposefully ignored the 10 text messages in reference to the article from friends and family because he knew he would panic if he confronted anyone involved with the situation.

“What do you want to do today?” Alex asked out of the blue, turning his head to look down at John with a slight smile.

Looking up with a furrowed brow, John shook his head. “Nothing in mind. We normally stay in and be antisocial on Sundays. Don’t you have homework?”

“I finished it last night.”

“Of course.”

“Is there something you plan on doing?” John asked a bit mockingly, but never the less, intrigued.

“I had a few things in mind,” Alex said- without confidence, as if afraid of judgement- and John instantly felt bad. “But, no big deal.”

“What are they? I wouldn’t mind getting out to take my mind off things,” John shrugged.

“We could go to the park,” Alex said with a shy shrug, shifting his laptop off his lap.

“That sounds nice,” John said genuinely, sitting up straighter.

Alex perked up. “Really?”

“Yeah. Let’s go. We can get donuts on the way.”

John was out of bed and crossing the dorm to grab his clothes before Alex could wipe the smile from his face.

Minutes later, they were both wrapped head to toe in warm clothes seeing how it was a chilly 30 degrees Fahrenheit in New York currently. John had on boots and jeans, a sweater and a flannel- plus gloves and a scarf he stole from Alex. Alex was wearing boots and jeans as well, but then a long-sleeve t-shirt, a flannel, and a leather jacket clothed his torso. Gloves adorned his hands.

John pulled the door to their dorm open and then followed Alex as he headed out- the faintest trace of a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know it may be 10 PM but its still monday so here's the daily chapter.
> 
> time to pre-write chapters for the rest of the week. sleep? i don't know her.
> 
> didn't proofread this chapter. sorry kiddos.


	22. To The Park

John hadn’t consciously done it, but his arm had found its way to lock around Alex’s as the two headed down the snow-dusted road towards the park.

The cloudy sky set a gloom over everything- dull sunlight illuminated the world through a foggy haze. Streetlamps were on, despite it being late morning, and the orange lights cast halos through the thick air. Cars roared up and down the streets, horns honking and music blasting.

Alex and John walked on the sidewalk, deaf to the unpleasantries of the outside world- ears only for each other.

They made it to the park without trouble, and settled down on the grass leaning against a tall tree just dusted with the faintest amount of sparkling white snow. Alex leaned into John’s side, cheek to John’s head, and sighed contentedly and John let himself smile.

His father could fuck with his life as much as he wanted. He could paint him as an ass, an ungrateful asshole of a son- but what he couldn’t get to was Alex. John knew that. Alex was unbreakable, right? Henry Laurens couldn’t fuck with Alexander Hamilton. As long as Alex- his Alex- was okay, John would be, too.

“Thank you for being how you are,” John mumbled a bit incoherently, as the words had tumbled out without thought accompanying them.

“You’re welcome?” Alex said, more a question than a statement.

“Just- you’ve been so good for- to me- in the past,” John stumbled over his words.

“I get it, sweetheart. Of course.”

John bit his lip and smiled, looking away but pressing closer to Alex.

The two sat in companionable silence, broken occasionally with little quips at passerby, or sassy comments about an event taking place.

Another thing John liked about Alex is how casual he could be. There were no expectations for either of them, not that day, not- really- ever. Go to the park. Sit and observe. Go home. John still would enjoy himself. Alex- assumedly- would, too.

They headed back when Alex grew hungry- and John realized they’d neglected to get the donuts they’d intended on purchasing.

“Let’s go around on 17th. We can stop by the little donut shop there,” John had suggested. Alex had readily agreed, licking his lips at the thought of donuts- John’s mouth had gone dry for a moment.

They walked, hand-in-hand, and pushed through the assembling crowds of people. The day grew older and people made it out onto the streets for the last of their weekend errands or celebrations.

Soon, they came to a little sign blocking off the sidewalk- two squares of cement were gone and a worker was scraping snow off the exposed ground.

“C’mon. I know a back way.” John turned Alex to the side and the two ducked between rows of houses into a musty back alley.

Their feet crunched ice and leaves as they stepped over little gross puddles and pieces of trash.

“How have you ever had a need to come back here?” Alex asked uneasily, looking around. His fingers picked at the hem of his leather jacket.

“You know the Sunday you were out with Laf? Went for a walk, got lost, ended up finding the park by following this path. Figure it’ll take us out to the other end, yeah?”

Alex just nodded, arm tensing. John looked at him curiously, but Alex was too busy flitting his gaze around to notice.

John just hummed and turned around a corner, side brushing against the bricks of a building- yielding a slight scraping sound which startled Alex. He flinched, stepped backwards and crunched a can beneath his feet- which caused a greater amount of fright, so he pushed into John and the two of them fell to the ground.

Alex’s eyes widened and he scrambled to his feet, dusting off his shaking hands on his jeans as he stumbled backwards- looking like a frightened dog- until he began to breathe heavily and shake- full-body, trembling shakes-.

“Love, what’s wrong?” John asked, pushing himself up to his feet slowly.

Alex’s head was whirling.

_“Look how pretty you are, love,” his mind echoed. “So pretty for me, right?”_

Alex shook his head- at what he didn’t know- he just shook it, left to right, _no_ – he had said _no._

_“No,” he had said. “Let me leave, please.”_

_“So soft-spoken,” they had mocked. “No. No one can hear you back here.”_

No one could hear him back here.

No one could hear him.

He turned tail and sprinted off.

Alex was unbreakable, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to regularly-scheduled updates, at 6:15 AM. *yawns*
> 
> here you go pals. some of my vent-work is making its way into this fic so it might get kind dark im sorry!!


	23. I Don't Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heavy TW for implied non-con elements but just flashbacks, not between alex and john. they're a healthy relationship.

Without thought, John lurched off at a run to follow his boyfriend.

“Lex!” John called. “Lex, babe, please come back!”

In the corner of his mind, Alex heard what John had said. It didn’t register in his head and he kept running- he had to get away- it couldn’t happen again, please, not again- so he kept running.

Alex had no idea where he was going. He went towards the light- searching desperately for where the alleys would exit onto the main street and no one could get him-.

_He’d said no. He said no. He’d screamed no._

_They’d ignored him. They’d tied his hands up, pushed him against a wall and-._

Alex’s foot caught on a can, causing him to lurch forward and fall to the floor, his palms scraping across the rough asphalt- he felt the familiar burn of pain as he scrambled back up and sprinted on.

_They’d tilted his chin up, yanked on his hair. Their teeth had torn at his skin, leaving bruises and marks and-._

He hit a dead end, almost running head first into the dirty brick wall at the end. He began to back up, trembling like a leaf, head whirling with unpleasant thoughts and memories and everything he’d been repressing for two years.

“Alex! Lex! Oh, my God- Lex?”

John skidded to a halt a few feet behind Alex, eyes fixated on his boyfriend’s small, shivering form.

“Baby girl?” John whispered quietly.

John’s voice broke through the fog around Alex’s brain and he finally jerked back into the present- the real, solid present- he wasn’t being chased- he was okay.

“’Baby girl?’” Alex questioned weakly, not trusting his voice-.

“I don’t know- oh, Alex...” John began, breaking off as he caught sight of Alex’s bloody palms.

“I like it.” Alex whimpered.

“Okay. Okay. Alex, baby girl, please, turn around,” John pleaded, trying to keep his voice steady and soothing- he knew it was far from it, though.

Alex complied, taking a deep breath and turning to face John. When he laid eyes on John’s disheveled form, tear tracks on his face-.

“John- I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to make you cry-,” Alex said, stepping forward to wipe away John’s tears-.

“What happened, Lex?”

“John, I-,” Alex shook his head rapidly, eyes widening again. “I...”

“Okay, nevermind,” John hurriedly continued. “Let’s go home. Please.”

Alex could only nod.

He pressed close to John as they walked back to the dorms. John knew they probably looked ridiculous, but he didn’t care.

His head was spinning. With worry, concern- all the things related to Alex’s current emotional state- but also confusion and anxiety. What had led Alex to have such a violent outbreak- a flashback, John figured- but to what? How bad could something be-?

Alex flinched as a person’s elbow connected with his side as they jogged past. John put an arm around his waist and pulled him closer.

How was he supposed to be there for Alex, like the boy was for him? How could he comfort him? He didn’t know how to do this.

“Baby, your hands,” John started as the two stepped into the dorm. John shut the door behind them and locked it- he didn’t miss how the sharp noise made Alex wince.

“They’re- they’re fine,” Alex mumbled, walking towards the sink and flipping the water on. “S-See?”

Blood ran down the drain, followed by bits of asphalt and other grime.

John pressed up close behind Alex, settling his chin on his shoulder and wrapping arms around his middle. Alex tensed up but then relaxed, trying to steady his breathing as he waited for the last pieces of gravel to dislodge from his hands.

John had a strange feeling that in the moments of silence, Alex was frantically piecing the bricks to his mental walls back together.

“Did you know that the process of ridding a wound of its debris is called debridement?” Alex said a moment later, his voice steadier- steelier, John thought.

“I didn’t,” John replied softly. “Alex, what happened?”

Alex didn’t answer. He turned the water off and walked away, breaking off from John to settle on the edge of his bed, staring straight ahead.

“Nothing. Just a flashback. I panicked. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t- Alex, don’t do this,” John pleaded, kneeling in front of Alexander. “Baby girl, please! You’ve done so much for me, I want to help you.”

“I don’t need help, John. I’m fine.”

“You’re not unbreakable,” John said- more a thought than a statement- but it still made its way out of his mouth. “That’s okay.”

Alex rolled his lip between his teeth and bit down sharply- John ran his own tongue over the scab on his lip. It was almost gone. He’d stopped messing with it after Alex had gotten so upset at seeing the blood.

John gently reached up, his fingers closing around Alex’s wrist.

The latter looked down at him, gaze softening as their eyes met, and he stopped biting at his lip.

“Please, talk to me.” John said.

“Okay,” Alex murmured. Then again, louder. “Okay.”

John settled back to sit on the floor, leaning against the bed. Alex slid off and came down to sit next to John, his knees to his chest and hands locked in front of them.

“In- in freshman year, two years ago,” Alex began before instantly pausing to collect his thoughts. He continued, more eloquently, “I was heading home from a coffee shop. Not the one that Lafayette works at, but rather a different one in the opposite direction from the dorms. I lived in the 100 building then.”

John just nodded.

“I- a few people-,” Alex stuttered, losing his composure. He ran a hand through his hair and tipped his head up, blinking to clear unshed tears from his eyes. “They- oh, John.”

“I’m right here baby girl,” John soothed. “It’s okay. No one will hurt you.”

“They did,” Alex murmured- and John swore it was the quietest Alex had ever spoken. “They did.”

John was silent as the pieces finally clicked in his head.

“Oh, my God. Alex.”

He turned his head away from John, screwing his eyes shut and swallowing heavily. “Please.”

“Please what?”

“John! Just-.”

John was silent, unsure of what Alex was getting at- did he say something wrong?

“I don’t want your sympathy.”

“Okay.”

“I want...”

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know,” Alex whispered, finally turning back to his boyfriend and matching their gazes. “I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry sorry sorry for the late chapter i was gonna write one last night but i was exhausted...i saw hamilton last night. it was a massive drive because it wasn't playing anywhere remotely close to me but so worth it. i bought tickets ages ago and had been waiting forever!! holy crap it was incredible!! im still screaming!! it gave me so many ideas and inspired me so much.
> 
> aside from that, this entire chapter is a huge vent and im very sorry but honestly, dealing with my issues makes for great hurt/comfort chapters for you fools. it'll get lighter soon don't worry. but for now, dark and TW for everything.
> 
> prewriting more tonight, hopefully you'll see a 6AM chapter again.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentioned noncon elements. Not between Alex and John. They're flashbacks/retellings of the past.

John had gotten up to make Alex food- the donuts had been far forgotten in the alley. He made ramen and tea.

Alex situated himself on the edge of his bed, feet dangling off it. He wrung his hands together in his lap. He was thinking.

John handed him a cup of tea and a bowl of ramen before cautiously sitting down beside him.

“I’ve composed my thoughts,” Alex began, sipping the tea slowly. It was burning hot. Alex didn’t react. “If you’d like to hear them.”

“I would.”

“It was September 4th. Classes had begun just a few days prior. I was looking for a satisfactory place to start on a paper for one of my multiple classes.” Alex swallowed. “I found the coffee shop near the back alleys that we found ourselves in today.”

“Alex, you don’t have to talk like that around me,” John said gently. He knew he was treading on thin ice.

Alex just nodded before continuing. “I took the alleys home because the streets were very crowded. Two guys ran into me. I tried to keep walking but one of them started a conversation, so I was obliged to- to talk to him. The other one walked circles around me, looking me over like a- like an animal.”

Alex stood up abruptly and set the barely-touched food and drink on the counter before returning to the bed.

“I don’t want to- get into detail-,” Alex mumbled, looking down at his lap where his fingers picked nervously at each other. His palms were still red and scraped, but not bloody.

“You don’t have to,” John spoke.

“I said no,” he continued a moment later. “Everyone told me when I was growing up that no meant no. Right? These people- it didn’t. It didn’t work. John. It didn’t!”

John swallowed heavily- trying himself not to cry-.

“I fought. I fought back. But- they- John! I said no, I tried to get away, I screamed- no one came! No one helped me!”

“I know baby,” John murmured. “I know. I know. C’mere.”

John opened his arms up wide and Alex lurched into them, burying his face in John’s collarbone and beginning to sob heavily, his hands clutching the fabric of John’s jacket- not caring, for once, about anyone’s opinion of him as he cried, and cried- unable to breathe- not thinking- into his boyfriend’s jacket.

That’s how Alex remained for a considerable amount of time. After the tears stopped, his eyes itchy and red, he began to shake and tremble and he couldn’t- couldn’t think- John held him. He sat there and held him and Alex was warm and he felt _safe_.

“When- when you called me- you called me ‘love,’” Alex muttered minutes later, almost unintelligible as his face was still nestled into John’s collarbone. “One of the guys- he said, ‘Look how pretty you are, love. So pretty for me, right?’”

“Oh, my God, Alex- I’m sorry-,” John started, tensing up under Alex-. “I had no idea- I’m- I’m sorry. I won’t call you that again.”

“It’s okay,” Alex whimpered. “Relax. Please. Your elbow is digging into me.”

“Sorry,” John said for the third time.

“It’s okay, I promise,” the taller boy mumbled, turning his head out of John’s sweater. “I cried into your jacket.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“Sorry.”

“Shut up,” John teased, laughing lightly. Alex smiled faintly.

Alex wasn’t unbreakable, and that was okay. He’d be okay.

John wasn’t unbreakable, and that was okay. He’d be okay.

They’d be okay.

“Today was...” John broke the silence that had enveloped them again.

“Yeah.”

“Do you have homework?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to watch White Collar?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” John laughed, urging for Alex to get off his lap so he could stand up. “Eat your food, please, babe.”

“I wasn’t kidding when I said I liked you calling me ‘baby girl,’” Alex mentioned, totally off topic as he grabbed the bowl of now-cold ramen.

John swallowed the mouthful of tea- Alex’s tea- that he was sipping with only minor difficulty. He coughed, his face flushing red- “Okay.”

Alex smirked and headed back over to his bed, settling into it and pulling up Netflix on his laptop.

John set his tea down before crawling into bed next to Alex, pressing up to his side like usual. But Alex, apparently desiring change, sunk down lower and rested his head onto John’s shoulder. John leaned his own head down onto Alex’s, cheek pressed to soft black hair, and smiled faintly as he ignored the episode of TV in favor of staring adoringly at his boyfriend.

“We’re both kinda fucked up, aren’t we?” John questioned quietly, cutting off the main character’s comedic speech.

“Kinda.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting lighter soon. Sorry kids.


	25. Sketching at Sunset

The last few days had been hectic, to say the least. Hectic for everyone involved. Everyone involved meaning simply John and Alex.

They’d get through it.

Finals were approaching, it being late November by that point, and Alex was beginning to delve into a pit of stress and exhaustion.

John was delving into a pit of anxiety and procrastination.

Something John always did when he was a kid was draw. Since he was young he’d been attracted to the vivid paintings his mom had left around the house, bright colors and shapes. He’d begun drawing himself at 8, when his mom had gotten him a set of watercolors for his birthday.

His paintings then had been, by no means, good. They’d been terrible. He’d been 8.

But it had been many years since then. During those many years he’d practiced, and practiced, and practiced- because he wanted to be half as good at painting as his mom. That, and he liked colors.

Sketching was always a de-stressor for him. Loose pencil marks, scratching on paper- an undefined mass of lines taking shape into something beautiful- messy, rough, but beautiful.

He kept a sketchbook. He hadn’t utilized it too much in the past years- his father had been very adamant about the fact that John was supposed to focus on studies- not art, because art was for women- but he had taken his sketchbook back to New York with him and was sure as hell going to use it now. Just to spite his father.

He accompanied Alex to the library on Wednesday evening. The sun was setting, casting the entire campus with an orange and red glow. A slight breeze was present and the temperature had dropped low. John wrapped himself in sweaters and two scarves, while Alex was bouncing along in a long-sleeve and jeans.

“How aren’t you cold?” John had asked on their way over.

“Coffee. Coffee is warm. I drank coffee,” Alex said, practically vibrating. “I’m good.”

“Ah, I see. The blood is rushing through your body so quickly that it’s creating friction-.” John began, but was cut off.

“Scientifically incorrect.”

“Right.”

The two had picked little armchairs at a table near a large, clear window that overlooked the campus and the cityscape beyond.

The sun setting just outside the window tinted John’s entire sketchbook page orange. He hadn’t brought any books, just his sketchbook and some pencils.

Then, he began to draw. He drew some shapes to settle the pencil in his hand, get a feel for it again. It’d been quite a while.

He drew a horse, first. His horse, from back home. Turtle.

Soft muzzle, whiskers, leading up to a broader face with wide, understanding eyes and an unruly forelock.

He smiled.

He then begun to start some figure drawings. He looked up, found a moving person, took a mental screenshot of their pose and jotted it down as quick as he could.

He was pleasantly surprised that he seemed to not have lost all his acquired talent over the past while.

Then, an idea caught his mind. Quirking his mouth into a smile, he readjusted his sketchbook and glanced up at Alex.

The latter was basked in an orange shade from the setting sun, his hair loose around his shoulders- black and wavy. His eyes fluttered back and forth across the page of the textbook he was reading. He was hunched over the table, but despite that, held a pose of surety and confidence. Confidence in himself, or more rather, confidence in his abilities and intelligence.

He was proud. As he should be.

Some would call it arrogance.

John turned to a blank page.

John started with a loose sketch, just letting his brain and hand take control while he seemed to observe from behind a glass window. Alex’s general face structure came into shape- cheeks, jawbone, forehead, nose. He erased the eyes many times before he got them right- until he was able to even begin to capture the intelligence that resided in them.

Alex didn’t move while he was working. Hardly flinched.

His entire body was shaking from the caffeine, though. He still remained in the same spot, despite that.

John finished the sketch in just under an hour. It ended up taking up the entire page and quite a bit of lead. He erased the guide lines, the rougher edges- went in for a bit more shading- a few more strands of hair, another little crease on his forehead- another eyebrow hair. The details had to be fine.

Then, he held his sketchbook up in the florescent light of the library and smiled slightly.

“John?” Alex said quietly.

“Hm?” he said, setting his sketchbook back down calmly.

“Woah!” Alex murmured excitedly, grabbing at the book- which John instantly slammed his hand down on and pulled nearer to him.

“Sorry, reflex. Uh- here.” He tilted the book so Alex could see.

The latter’s face turned to an expression of wonderment- his jaw dropped slightly, eyes widened with excitement and awe.

“John, how come you never told me-?” Alex said, his eyes tracing every detail. “Firstly, wow, I’m hot. Secondly-.”

He broke off to laugh at his own comment, which John chuckled at- more so at Alex laughing at himself than the actual comment, but regardless- he chuckled.

“Wow. That’s incredible, baby.”

John shrugged humbly, a blush rising to his cheeks.

“I mean it.”

“Thanks,” John said bashfully, hiding the rising smile unsuccessfully.

“You’re pretty fantastic,” Alex commented passively.

John tilted his head curiously and huffed a laugh.

“I mean it. Not only as an artist. As a person,” he said, a smile gracing his tired features before he dropped his head back to his book and began to read. “Really fantastic.”

“I love you, too,” John said- half-teasing, and half-feeling like Alex had just said the ‘L’ word without the ‘L.’

His suspicion was proven true when Alex did nothing but stare down at his book and keep reading- but his cheeks tinted pink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im actually going away for the weekend so i'll try and put a chapter up tomorrow if i can, if not you'll have two sunday night!


	26. Finals

John swore he was going to rip Alex’s laptop right out of his little hands if the boy pressed even one more key-.

Click.

“That’s it!” John cried, lurching out of bed dramatically. 

Alex startled, still sat at his desk. The computer’s light was reflecting off his face, revealing severely dark bags under his eyes, coupled with a generally exhausted expression.

“What?” Alex questioned pathetically, his response delayed by a few seconds.

“You’re done. I’m ordering you to be done. It’s 4 AM. You have a final at 6. Come get in bed. Please, God.”

“I’m not God,” Alex said quietly, seeming to really consider the meaning of the sentence before continuing. “At least, I don’t think I am. I started feeling pretty ethereal on my 9th cup of coffee, though.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Not him, either.”

“Come here, dumbass!” John laughed exasperatedly, not able to help the amused smile spreading over his face regardless of how annoyed he currently was with his boyfriend. 

“That’s more accurate,” Alex conceded, standing up to pad over to his bed- pausing to shut his laptop- as if it was an afterthought.

“You’re still wearing jeans, babe.”

“Good observation.”

“You’re sassy.”

“Mhmm. Move over.” 

John scooted over under the covers, letting Alex settle into the bed beside him. It wasn’t long before the two were completely wrapped up in each other’s arms and sound asleep, warm and safe.

Alex woke to his phone alarm an hour and a half later. The only difference in his surroundings was that light was now flooding into the dorm, from the little window.

“Good morning,” he groaned out, sitting up and stretching.

John was still passed out beside him, curled up tightly with his face turned into his pillow. His freckles stood out in the morning light, his curly hair was loose around his head.

Alex had a passive thought about how breathtaking John was.

He shook John’s shoulders a bit, before giving up and turning his alarm on- but much louder this time- and setting the phone right near John’s ear.

“What the fuck?” John groaned, lurching up and away from the phone. “Alex!”

“I said ‘good morning.’”

“You look like you just rose from the dead. Didn’t you sleep?” John queried, still unbelievably tired himself.

“I feel like I didn’t,” he said absently, before peeling off his t-shirt and slipping a sweater over his head. “But I did. I have to leave. When do you? Leave, that is.”

“I’m done with my finals,” John reminded Alex. “What time will you be back?”

“Around 9,” Alex said as he grabbed his messenger bag off the ground and slung it over his shoulder. 

“Breakfast after?”

“How about a nap, and then lunch?” Alex countered, leaning over to peck John on the lips before heading for the door.

“Perfect.”

“Bye, sweetheart.”

“Bye!” 

As the door shut behind Alex, John smiled to himself and wondered how the hell he got so lucky. 

Even if his boyfriend was a slightly psychotic, stressed-out perfectionist with a loud attitude and an affinity for staying up until the ungodly hours of the morning, he knew that he wouldn’t trade Alex for anyone else. Not willingly.

Alex ended up arriving back to the dorm at 9, just as promised. John was mildly surprised. 

The latter hadn’t moved since Alex left. He’d fallen asleep for an hour, then spent the rest of the time scrolling through his phone. He was still wearing Alex’s sweatpants and a t-shirt, tucked into the warmth of his blankets.

“How’d it go?” John asked as Alex walked into the room with his chin up proudly.

“I aced it. I know it!” Alex boasted, tossing his bag to the ground. “Last final and I aced it.”

“I’m sure you did, babe.”

Alex just nodded, still wrapped up in what seemed to be adoration for himself.

 “So, nap, and then lunch?”

“God, please,” Alex burst out in a short laugh, before stripping off his jacket and shoes and walking over to John.

The latter scooted to the side obediently which gave Alex ample space to settle down. As soon as the latter had situated himself, John threw himself onto his boyfriend.

He draped his entire body along Alex’s front, arms wrapped around his shoulders and neck, face buried into his collarbone, and legs beside Alex’s own.

Arms rested on his back, a kiss was pressed to his head, and John fell into a restful sleep.

John woke to the bed moving under him. Or, rather, Alex moving under him.

“Wha’?” John muttered, raising his head to glare at his boyfriend- who was dialing a number on his phone. “Goddammit.”

“Washington,” Alex whispered, the phone ringing. 

John furrowed his brow before deciding now was definitely not the time- and nuzzling back into Alex’s shirt.

“Hello, sir!” Alex chirped as Washington answered his end of the phone. “You asked me to call?”

“Oh, yes, Alex. Glad you received my email.” John could hear Washington’s voice through Alex’s phone. It piqued his interest slightly. “So, your thoughts on my preposition?”

“I’d love to spend the holidays with you and Martha,” Alex said calmly. The words caused John to jerk up. He glared at Alex with a puzzled expression on his face. “Is it alright if I bring my boyfriend? Assuming he doesn’t have any other occupations.”

“Certainly, son. I’ll email you the address. You have a good day, now.”

 “Thank you, sir!”

Alex hung up. 

“What the fuck?” John asked a bit amusedly, laughing slightly.

“Told you I was close with Washington.”

“That’s really close!”

“So? Do you have any other occupations?” Alex diverted, nudging John off of him so he could sit up a bit. He opened his arms and John settled back into his grip.

“No,” John said, a hint of sadness dipping into his voice. His father surely wouldn’t want him back home this year.

 “Alright, you’re coming with me then. They’re out of town for New Years but the first week of Christmas break we’re going. Good?” Alex said, almost authoritatively.

 “Sounds good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is uploading from my phone this is what i call talent


	27. Note from the Author

It is with a heavy heart that I regretfully inform you that this story is coming to a close.

Okay, in all seriousness- do not panic! I will have a brand new story with a much more collected plot, consistent characters, and depressing story line going up within the next few days! It will also experience regular updates, maybe not daily, but likely 3/4 times a week. 

This story progressed too fast- in about 26 days it saw the same amount of chapters. There wasn't a plot to start with and there isn't one to finish with. While I am in no way ashamed of the work I've done on this story, I know I can do better.

A sneak peak on the next story, here's the tenative summary:

"Alex is an APUSH teacher with self-destructive tendencies, a turbulent past and an addiction to work. John is the brand-new APEURO teacher with crippling anxiety, more nightmares than dreams, and an affinity for scratching up his own wrists.

When the two meet, the entire history department assumes that hell will break loose, but in a surprising turn of events the two become fast friends- and maybe, eventually, something more. Can Alex keep himself alive long enough to see his projects and ambitions through? Can John push past his anxiety and make the life for himself that he’s always wanted to have?"

As you can see, even the summary is dark and depressing- my favored writing style.

Thank you all so, so much for your continued support on this story. I'm so happy it made any of you happy, because your comments certainly made me happy. I hope the next story does the same for you.

Kindest regards,

goldpeak.


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